Dennis Rodman was my favorite Chicago Bull. Like The Worm, I also love to rebound, professional wrestling and the music of Pearl Jam. I appreciated his attitude and approach to both the game of basketball and life. I thought it made sense to wear the jersey of a Hall of Famer. I was wrong.

Purchased during the spring of 2016, before the Trump and North Korea dialogue that featured really sad Rodman TV appearances, but well after the Rodman and Kim Jong-Un stunts and Rodman appearing on The Celebrity Apprentice and Rodman endorsing Trump on Twitter, I should have known better. There’s no excuse for buying a Rodman jersey in 2016 and thinking it would work out. But what makes it worse is I bought the worst possible Rodman jersey.

I regret the purchase mostly because it looks very bad on me. There’s no way around it. Worn as a jersey or under an unbuttoned shirt or jacket, this looked horrible on me in every styling. Would it have been better if I purchased the version without pinstripes? Or the classic red version? Or the white? Or the legendary Detroit Bad Boys Pistons edition? Or celebrate the start of the Rodman we now know with a Spurs jersey? Maybe a Lakers or Mavs one would have people wondering if Rodman actually ever played for those teams. Probably any other Rodman jersey would have looked better, but it wouldn’t have changed how the jersey fell on my body. And I was warned.

My wife advised against this idea before buying the jersey. I did not listen. I thought she was dissuading me against an obvious bad idea because of the character of Dennis Rodman. I’m sure she was, but that wasn’t exactly the main reason.

The rationale for buying this was a warm weather vacation. I don’t like tank tops because I think there’s no way for me to look good in them. This was my genius plan. It was more like doubling down on a bad idea than solving a problem. 

Tank tops can look OK on me, I just don’t feel comfortable in them. So why did I think a basketball jersey would be better? Just because I liked wearing something as a pre-teen doesn’t mean it makes sense for the mid-30s version of me. Wearing this made me feel older and more out of touch than anything I’ve ever worn.

I am not built for modern basketball jerseys. I am not alone. The current NBA MVP also does not look good in modern basketball jerseys. This is OK. Not everything is meant for everyone. If I was taller or lankier, it might work. But I’m not growing any more so it’s time to stop thinking basketball jerseys will ever look OK on me.

I no longer own a Dennis Rodman Black Chicago Bulls Swingman Jersey. I gave it to my friend Ian. He’s a bit taller and lankier and skateboards at skateparks and I want him to wear this jersey at a skatepark. I want to know if anyone under the age of 20 even knows who Dennis Rodman is and if they do, if they take it out on Ian. I wonder if he’ll get out alive?

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Feature image from the Chicago Bulls store