Baseball pretty much kicks ass, but you wouldn’t know it by watching a game. Games are long, feature almost zero physical contact or slam dunks, and the fans mostly look like Mike Love. I lovingly refer to them as baseball perverts. The kind of people that bring their glove, wear headphones to the ballpark so they can listen to the radio broadcast, and keep score on a little sheet. I love these people but they are definitely weird pervs.

Baseball will always have these perverts and perhaps they’re the ones that have kept the sport alive in a relatively consistent form for over 200 years. But truth be told, baseball is losing the regulars, the normies, the kids, and the non-perverted. While I don’t think we need to turn the MLB into a Rock N’ Jock stunt show, I also don’t think the answer is boring half measures like fewer mound visits and robo-umps. Here’s my list of ways to improve baseball so we can keep it alive that splits that difference.

One Dumb Guy Per Team Requirement: After seeing that play where Javy Báez coaxed the Pirates first baseman to not tag first base I firmly believe we need more very dumb plays. I’m not saying that guy is dumb, but if we had dumb guy requirements that kind of stuff would happen more often. They’d double or triple the amount of viral moments if one guy routinely forgot how to play. I don’t know how we find these dumb guys, but maybe we bonk someone on the head with a coconut before the game? I’m just spitballing.

Cheating is Legal: You can cheat now. Within reason I guess, but batters should be able to juice and pitchers should be able to put goo on the ball or whatever they do. I have been to dozens, if not hundreds, of baseball games in my life and the only two I remember are when I saw Mark McGwire hit a home run in the 1998 season and when my friend’s dad got pulled over after a game and they wouldn’t let him drive so we got picked up by his friend and I got to ride home in the back of an El Camino with a dog.

Do Something During Reviews: Replays in baseball still feel weird to me, but if we have to keep them, let’s do something fun when the “action” slows down. When you go to a TV show taping, they’ll have a warm up comic do bits in between set changes and things like that. I don’t see why we can’t do the baseball equivalent here. Maybe some bench warmers come out and try to hit dingers, or an old coach does dizzy bat and runs the bases while people throw things at him. These are just two good ideas, you can think of your own.

Bring the Ballpark to the Broadcast: We all love going to the ballpark, but baseball is the most forgettable sport if you’re not physically present. That has a lot to do with how fun it is to be there in the moment, but more to do with how sterile MLB broadcasts are. One time at a Kansas City Royals game, a few rows behind me there was an old man, by himself with a bag of lemons and he ate them over the course of the game. Just tore into them like they were oranges. A whole bag of lemons. I have never seen that on TV and that should make everyone furious. Do a fan cam for the broadcast. Treat the presentation more like it’s a jumbotron kiss cam or some kind of lemon eating cam.

Announcers Have to Stop Saying Players Are “Classy”: Listen to how many times you hear it per game. Probably 400 times? I’d rather see a player do the DX “suck it” move after every routine play than have them solemnly tip a cap and then sit down after throwing a no hitter. 

Replace All Gatorade with G2: I can’t find G2 at any 7-Eleven and I live in LA. It’s ridiculous. When a player dumps a cooler of Gatorade on someone just make sure it’s full of G2, the announcers should say, “Looks like he got a G2 bath!” We need to get the word around so more places stock it. It tastes the same and has a fraction of the sugar. What are we doing here? It’s time to move on from full Gatorade. If we absolutely can’t do this, at least have a PSA video series where Mike Trout teaches kids to drink half the Gatorade bottle then fill the rest up with water and save it for later. It’s a great way to cut the sugar intake and you have a treat for later.

Shake Up the Announce Teams: This is a tricky move because part of what I love about baseball is that it’s essentially the world’s longest stream of conscious podcast. On a good day it’s two people just shootin’ the shit during a dead stretch telling a story about a guy they knew in the Puerto Rican leagues who could fit his whole foot in his mouth. On its worst days, it’s two very tired men barely hanging on. To liven things up, I propose we test out broadcast teams of one old man and one young person who doesn’t watch baseball. I guarantee zero MLB announcers know what “deadass” means and that has to change.

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