The Missouri Compromise: How to Adapt the Kansas City Chiefs Without Pissing Everyone Off

by Joe McAdam

I’ve been sitting on this idea for an article for months and it’s been in the back of my head for a couple years. I didn’t want to write it because I don’t enjoy inserting myself into a conflict, but I figure with the Kansas City Chiefs playing their fourth consecutive home AFC Championship Game I can’t ignore it and the timing works.

First I want to start off by listing my Kansas City Chiefs credentials: I was born and raised in Kansas City, Missouri. I’ve been a Chiefs fan for life. Before the 1993 season’s AFC Championship loss to the Buffalo Bills, at age 9, I drew a picture of Jim Kelly being electrocuted and secretly thought that cursed the team for at least 10 years. 

I’ve screamed myself hoarse at countless games, good and bad, including Trent Green’s concussion game against the Bengals in ‘06, the Chiefs vs. Rams Monday Night classic in 2018, and their walk off OT win against the Chargers this season. 

I’ve owned jerseys and hats and used to put band aids on my nose to look like Neil Smith. I remember the exact room I was in when I heard that Derrick Thomas died (high school computer class, we stopped class and didn’t work after that). I made a pact with the universe and got a Chiefs tattoo when they came back to beat the Houston Texans in 2020. I am currently wearing two articles of Chiefs clothing. I’m such a big Chiefs fan I don’t find Nick Wright annoying. I’m a diehard, I have been forever, and I love Kansas City.

OK, now here’s the hard part: we’ve gotta do something about all the Native American stuff. I know. If you’re my target audience, you’re already upset with me. I get it, but I want you to read this all the way through with an open mind before you call me a huge pussy or something.

I don’t even need to get into why there needs to be a change. If you think it’s racist or don’t, it’s irrelevant. Based on recent history, it’s inevitable that something will change and we’d better have a plan so we’re not stuck with our schlongs flappin’ in the breeze like The Washington Football Team. We might as well be proactive here so we don’t go kicking and screaming into the future like The Biggest Loser in Football, Dan Snyder, and potentially lose our name in the process.

Of course I know the name “Chiefs” lives in a fuzzy grey area. It’s not a dated slur like Washington’s name was. We don’t have a caricature logo like Cleveland used to. The name’s origin isn’t even related to anything Indiginous (“The Chief” was the nickname of H. Roe Bartle, former mayor of Kansas City). It’s the extras that surround the name that really muddy the water, and the most egregious is the tomahawk chop and chant, and the rest of the country sees it and winces when we go deep in the playoffs.

I will now lay out for you, the skeptical Kansas City Chiefs fan, a compromise that I believe can keep everyone on good terms. Something that I truly believe is a solution that can unite the entirety of the political spectrum. I can’t claim this idea as my own, it was suggested to me while watching a Chiefs game, by my friend Cullen Crawford (comedy writer, Bears fan). We hashed it out a little and now I’m running with it: Keep the name Chiefs but now it refers to Fire Chiefs. Here’s a breakdown of how it would work.

What We Keep

The Name

Obviously this is crucial and the biggest element of the whole compromise. We’re still the Chiefs. That’s it. We don’t have to be “The Fire Chiefs” and we aren’t backed into being called The Kansas City Football Team for a couple years while we try and think of a new inevitably worse name.

The Colors

Firehouse colors are already red. Keep all the colors, the end zone paint, the jerseys, the gear, everything stays the same color. No need to get new stuff or repaint your truck.

Tradition

The Chiefs name is born of local tradition, and this keeps it intact. Did you know H. Roe Bartle went to every two alarm fire in Kansas City in full firefighter gear? He did! It’s on Wikipedia. Already this makes more sense than Native stuff. Also the name can honor the six firefighters that lost their lives in the explosion of November 1988. Kansas City has already created a memorial fountain for our fallen firefighters and this would further cement their legacy of heroism and not only keep their memory in our thoughts, but make it feel alive.

The Chop

Holy shit, you get to keep the chop! Bet you didn’t think this would make the list. This is a huge win for fans as they love to have a thing to do with their hands. Now instead of a tomahawk chop, it’s a fire ax chop. I can’t believe how well that one worked out.

What We Lose

The Drum

Before home games a special guest bangs a drum to hype up the crowd. This one is honestly not that big of a deal to me. Replace it with a giant bell that serves the same purpose. It’s a big cool visual and it’s louder too.

This is going to have to be a concession for the diehards, but the arrowhead logo is out. It hurts, but it’s not the biggest deal in the world. Replace it with a fire ax, keep the design clean and vintage looking. Maybe just the ax head? These are design questions for someone smarter than me, but you can still have an intimidating weapon as a logo and that’s what counts. You can even use the same font and letter design.

Arrowhead Stadium

The stadium name is gonna have to go. Listen, we’ve already cheapened it by calling it GEHA Field. It was one of the last holdouts of not being corporate, but here we are in the awful future. Let’s just call it The Firehouse, The House, or some version of that. I’m sure some fans will continue to call it Arrowhead anyway. The official name will change though, and it can be something catchy that’s not just a company’s name.

The Chant

This is really what spurs the whole need for change, and is the maybe hardest one to lose for a lot of people. I’m not sure I have a great solution for it, but here’s my best idea: commission local legend Tech N9ne to write a chant to take its place. Something wholly original that he can write an accompanying song for. I know he has it in him, and this would be way more of a hometown tribute than anything we’ve been doing. No one else could claim it like how other teams do with our current chant (Atlanta Braves, Florida State Seminoles), it would be Kansas City’s.

New Things We Could Get

Mascot

This plan isn’t only the give and take of a compromise. We can use the opportunity to add new things. We can have a new mascot just because it’s fun. I don’t hate KC Wolf, and he doesn’t have to go anywhere if we don’t want him to, but why not use this opportunity to give ourselves a mascot that makes sense. A Dalmatian? I bet that could look pretty good. Just not a mascot that looks like a guy, those are dumb looking.

Secondary Logo Gear

Along with a new helmet logo, we’ll get a lot of options for T shirts, hats and Zubaz. There’s always the Maltese Cross symbol that fire departments use. We could use flames, an ax, or a helmet to fill out designs on merch. I can even see a cool vintage drawing of a Dalmatian for a logo. There’s a lot of options, and a cool design would sell by the truckload.

Stadium Extras

How cool would it be for kids at the game to play on a firetruck in the parking lot or play firefighter themed games inside (water gun carnival games, a firehouse pole)? We could even modify a firetruck for halftime and shoot t-shirts out of a cannon where the hose would be. And there’s plenty of opportunities to get eyes on local fire department charities, and you have a built in theme for a horny calendar every single year.

So that’s it, a proactive plan that I think would serve the city, the fans, and the franchise at little expense to our pride or comfort. I think it has potential, and I’d love to see it considered. If after this season Patrick Mahomes and Paul Rudd held a joint press conference to announce the change, would anyone be able to say no? Hell, throw in Ted Lasso if you have to. Kansas City is home to a lot of smart, thoughtful people and getting ahead of a messy transition with a good idea would represent that well. We’re lucky to have the opportunity for such a seamless change, let’s just not drag our feet until it’s too late.

PS: If you work for the Chiefs and are reading this, please consider me to write Pringles commercials for Byron Pringle, I have a lot of good ideas.

Recommend If You Like pays all our writers. Some of that comes from our Patreon. If you've enjoyed anything we've done, cool. We have a Patreon. We promise that once we're bought by a billionaire or millionaire looking for a fun new vanity project, we'll stop asking for money. Until then, please consider the Patreon. If you can't afford to become a patron, please sign up to our mailing list. It's free and we're asking here instead of a pop-up.