“Hey, this is nice!” Brad Pitt opines as he glides attractively through the train’s sliding doors. I’ve watched this trailer maybe 100 times. He’s right, it is nice. Not just the train, but the cinematography, the cast, the action, David Leitch’s directing, and let’s not forget, a blockbuster action movie about the friggin bullet train. Bullet Train‘s release has been pushed back to August 5, 9 days after my birthday, but it’s the best late birthday present I could possibly ask for.

It’s not the first big movie about a train. Snowpiercer, Train to Busan, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, and The Darjeeling Limited all come to mind as fantastic big-budget train movies. But Bullet Train is about the Shinkansen high-speed train, the idealized mecca-train of the rail fan, and to title the movie so directly and unapologetically is an undeniable tip of the hat to us. It is unfortunately set on the fictional Nippon Speed Line, which is not technically a Shinkansen bullet train, but we’ll let that slide. I have not had the opportunity to watch this movie, but I already believe it to be my favorite film.

“We get it, you’re a train guy,” right? Yes and no. I mean, yeah, I take a fair amount of trains to get around. And sure, a great subway or regional rail service does bring me to a point of excitement that some would call inordinate. But I don’t keep model trains, I don’t take pilgrimages to look at old steam engines, and I’ll probably never take the painstakingly-slow Amtrak Great American Majestic Landscapes or Grand Rail Experience across the United States. I like trains a lot, is what I’m saying, but I’m not obsessive about them. What I am obsessive about is disliking cars. Bullet Train seems right up my alley on that front. In lieu of having watched the movie, let’s go through my top five reasons why everyone should drive their car directly into a smelter:

They piss off Captain Planet

I’ll put carbon footprint and the environment here, because of course. I don’t want to see the comments I’d get for not including it in the list. But this is the argument you see everywhere, it’s clearly ineffective, and it does get last place. Yes, the occupant of a single passenger car is producing up to 32 times more carbon than the passenger of a long-distance train. Yes, carbon monoxide concentration in urban environments has been shown to increase mortality rates in humans, animals, and plants. Yes, climate scientists have called our current climate change measures inadequate to address the problem of the world catching fire. Perhaps you’re optimistic enough to think that if we address this problem head-on, we can tackle it and find some sort of resolution. Perhaps you’re American, enjoy the convenience of your car, and figure the world is going to burn with or without your help, so why not do what makes you happy? Don’t worry, I have 4 better reasons to not like cars.

They cost a lot of money

This one sounds obvious, but bear with me, because it’s big: cars are expensive. Expensive to you, of course, and expensive to your government that is subsidizing their use and the infrastructure allowing them. But even with the subsidies, the pricing is not a good deal. If you factor out the sunk cost fallacy once a car is paid for, the cost of a compact car with normal use in the US between car life cycle, insurance, gasoline, parking, and maintenance averages about $800 a month. Compare that to ~$100 for the average city railpass and suddenly the money to ride transit doesn’t seem like an outrageous cost to lose some convenience. And if the bus or train you’re on somehow hits something (they generally don’t), you can rest easy knowing that money isn’t coming out of your wallet or raising your insurance rates.

They make the world uglier and less fun

US cities with the lowest number of cars per household include New York City, Washington DC, Boston MA, and San Francisco CA. US cities with the highest numbers of cars per household include Murietta CA, League City TX, Surprise AZ, and West Jordan, UT. Can you tell which one of these options makes for a more popular travel destination? It turns out that people like when dining, nightlife, and entertainment options are all close to them. We also enjoy centers of social activity, and when a trip to get groceries takes less than an hour. Why, then, do we keep building infrastructure that isolates us further and further? Also bear in mind that for every car in this country, there are at least 3 parking spaces occupying three times its space in the world, creating massive swaths of empty desolate concrete. It’s gross.

They turn us into bad people

Mean people who do things on the road behind the anonymity of our windshields that we would never do face-to-face on the street. Lazy people who will only walk the bare minimum distance from our destination to the nearest parking spot we could find. Lonely people who sit in a mobile solitude box for hours a week, cut off from the world. Entitled people who think we’re owed the luxury of a private chariot escorting us within steps of our every destination. We all know physical and social activities make us happier and healthier, and we still all avoid them at every opportunity, to the point where a $40,000 price tag on a machine that actively diminishes our health and happiness seems like a good investment. Silly, right?

They murder people

Like, a lot. The stats are intentionally dodgy, but if you add pedestrian and driver deaths by motor vehicle in 2020, they nearly edge out the number of gun deaths. 77% of drivers have been in at least one accident. In terms of products used on a daily basis, a car’s level of mortal danger is eclipsed only by cigarettes and unhealthy food, products that arguably have significantly lower collateral damage. Much like their fellow danger-machines (guns), they’re only as easy to acquire as they are because of shady organizations with clear money-based motives. If you’re the kind of person who would rather not murder or be murdered, a car might not really be your thing.

Those are my points, anyway. I’m sure your counter-argument is something along the lines of I’m an adult that lives 30-60 miles from my job, I can’t just get rid of my car and up-end my entire life, and that’s probably fair. But while you watch Brad Pitt fight his way through the gorgeous interior of the Nippon Speed Line, think about the life you could be leading and briefcases you could be stealing in a more train-filled existence. Also, I can’t prove this, but I strongly believe that taking trains makes you as handsome as Brad Pitt. Just steam it over, give it some thought. Not trying to railroad you into any particular decision. 

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