These are the top ten fast food items, as chosen by a panel of industry experts (who I invented). They have lived all over the United States and eaten all the worst food. 

There are very few rules or criteria to how these were chosen. Some restaurants have more than one entry, some entries are only available in specific regions, and some entries are seasonal items. For all I know, some of them may have even been discontinued. 

10. Chocolate Frosty (Wendy’s)

I could easily research whether Frostys are soft serve ice cream, or a milkshake, or some third state of matter, but I prefer to accept the mystery. These are especially delicious because they are served in a cardboard fast food cup. Please note that this placement applies only to CHOCOLATE flavor. Before you ask: I have no official opinion on the (weird, criminal) practice of dipping french fries in a Frosty. You do you (freak!). 

9. Mountain Dew Baja Blast (Taco Bell)

I warned you that there was very little criteria for getting on this list! Try as you might, you can’t change the fact that the canonical Taco Bell flavor of Mountain Dew is number nine. It tastes like the color teal and cannot be contained in Taco Bell: you can now find it in grocery stores. 

8. Loaded Baked Potato (Wendy’s) 

Wendy’s is back on the top ten with a classic food item that I have recently discovered is not always in stock. You can get them with cheese, sour cream, or broccoli. Nothing hits like a baked potato. These used to be part of an expanded Wendys salad bar – you know, back when we had nice things! RETVRN

7. French fries if eaten in the first 5 minutes (McDonalds) 

We talked about Frosties existing in ambiguous states of matter, and McDonalds French fries are the same: Hot off the deep fryer (or whatever), these are historically delicious and nourishing, but after about 5 minutes it’s like eating plastic in CRIMES OF THE FUTURE: It’s unclear if humans have evolved to be able to digest McDonalds French fries that have been sitting out for even a short period of time.

6. Italian BMT with light mayo (Subway)

White bread with ham, salami, and pepperoni, and add some spinach, mayo, mustard, tomatoes and pickles to complete the best sandwich that you can possibly make at Subway. Don’t heat it up – just have them put the things on the bread and get the hell out of there! There is no TIME for that!

5. The Original (Culver’s)

This one’s just for the sickos in the Midwestern United States. The original butter burger at Culver’s is the only Cheeseburger on this list. No Big Mac, no In n Out, no Whopper. No Five Guys. I know you sickos like to get frozen custard and cheese curds too. If this is too regionally specific an entry for this top ten list, please instead accept my offer to replace it with the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit from Whataburger – this offer expires in 30 seconds. 

4. Filet o’ Fish (McDonalds)

In order to consume this food item in the manner that granted its access to the list, you cannot get it as part of a meal – no fries or drink. You must order the sandwich by itself with no modifications. Fish patty, tartar sauce, cheese. You sit in a dark room and eat that sandwich. Don’t watch TV or listen to music. Be alone with the Filet o’ Fish and your thoughts. You deserve it!

3. Coffee (McDonalds) 

All kidding aside, coffee is one of the tastiest things you can order at our most prolific fast food restaurant, and it’s somehow one of the best cups of coffee you can get generally. I dunno, it’s just good! I like my medium size McDonalds coffee with three creams and no sugar. 

2. Spicy Chicken Sandwich (Wendy’s) 

One day, Wendy’s decided to create a simple, fried chicken sandwich with pepper flavoring and accidentally touched the face of god. Many have come after but still cannot approach the understated brilliance of this humble sandwich. The mixture of mealy tomatoes, spiciness, and mayo sings to my heart in a way that I haven’t seen anyone else successfully recreate in at least 15 years. Accept no substitutes and ignore the false prophets. The one spicy chicken sandwich to rule them all is still at Wendy’s.

1. Cheesy Gordita Crunch (Taco Bell)

Taco Bell are the undisputed geniuses of combining the same set of roughly 7 or 8 ingredients into something new and exciting. According to our expert panel and their very reliable collective memory, the cheesy Gordita crunch came out roughly in the early 2000’s as a sort of spiritual sequel/scandalous offspring of the (also delicious) double decker taco and Gordita. The idea of both a soft and crunchy taco shell was good on its own – but what if, they thought, we filled the middle layer not with boring beans but with cheese instead? If that wasn’t enough, the real kicker on this one is that it also uses the best sauce topping (“spicy ranch”) of anything on any fast food menu in existence. This combination of flavors and textures is the pinnacle of fast food.