My kid is learning to crawl. Kids make a lot of noise. Kids scream a lot. Screams of joy and frustration. Screams that are amplified when they’re trying to master something new. Nothing is as frequent and loud as when they’re leaning to crawl. So I’ve been thinking about the song that most sounds like a baby learning to crawl.

This is not a definitive ranking about the best songs about crawling. This is about the song that most sounds like an infant trying to move.

IDLES “Crawler”

This kinda sounds like a kid learning to crawl. There are distinct howls and tonal shifts. But babies don’t know one language let alone two so when IDLES lead singer Joe Talbot tosses in some French, it’s just too much for a baby. Also, the song is about being in the midst of addiction and sooner or later, the baby won’t be addicted to crawling. 

Linkin Park “Crawling”

I hate this song and I want to say it doesn’t sound anything like crawling but it does. The first 22 seconds could work as the music in a jack-in-the-box. And Chester’s screams aren’t that dissimilar to a baby. Still hate this song. 

Kings of Leon “Crawl”

The bass tone on this track can not be improved. It’s almost as good as Tame Impala. The rhythm guitar doesn’t do enough to distract from it. The vocals sound nothing like crawling but thus far, they’re the most baby-like (“You better learn to crawl”). But it still doesn’t quite sound like a baby learning to crawl. But what a bass tone! 

Childish Gambino “I.Crawl”

Nope. Doesn’t sound like crawling. It sounds like Donald Glover trying to do Yeezus-era Kanye, which isn’t a bad thing. 

Hoobastank “Crawling in the Dark”

Absolutely does not sound like a baby. Then again the main guitar line could be circus music so there’s a sliver of baby potential. Truly an awful song. 

Breaking Benjamin “Crawl”

Another miss. No redeeming qualities, whether you’re looking for a baby soundalike or decent music in general. 

Bass Drum of Death “Crawling After You”

A bit too fast to soundtrack a baby crawl. One of the better crawling songs.

Tom Petty “Crawling Back To You”

A bit too slow to soundtrack a baby crawl. Lyrically, this has way more in common with a middle-aged man settling than a baby. Which makes sense. 

Miss May I “Crawl”

While I do not enjoy this sound, the loudness structure and growls are kinda like a baby. We’re getting closer. 

Slow Joy “Crawling” 

Not at all what we’re looking for but one of the better crawl songs. Definitely the best discovery I’ve made while writing this piece. 

Miley Cyrus and Billy Idol “Night Crawling”

No way. I think Miley is great but this is not a great album. And only kinda sounds like a baby learning to crawl. 

Eazy-E “Creep n Crawl”

The baby is not nearly coordinated enough to consistently creep and crawl. 

Alkaline Trio “Crawl”

Nope. I thought this was going to be the one. The tempo sure fits a baby’s pace but the lyrics just do not fit. Dan Andriano sings, “I can walk but I will crawl there,” and dude, this baby can not walk. If they could, we wouldn’t be working on the crawl thing.

John Lee Hooker “Crawlin’ King Snake”

Way too smooth and cool to be a baby learning how to crawl. But I think there’s something here…

The Doors “Crawling King Snake”

Welp. This is it. This sounds like a baby learning how to crawl. The Doors make the best circus music (my friend Jenn pointed this out to me about a decade ago and it’s impossible for me to listen to Jim and friends and not picture unsafe carnival rides). Musically, that’s baby tunes. The organ, guitar and drums are all baby perfect. The lack of Morrison’s vocal diversity is a baby. It’s either babbling or screaming. And, while I don’t know how they did it, the lyrics can be about a baby leaning to crawl or a sex obsessed dude. In the second verse our protagonist begins with, “Caught me crawlin” and ends with, “Gonna crawl no more.” That is a baby. The fact that this is a cover makes it even more appropriate. Babies learn by mimicking. This song a baby learning to crawl.

I did not expect this outcome. But it is the right one. Congrats, The Doors. No other band sounds like a baby more than you.

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