In the new John Mulaney special, Baby J, the standup talks about doing drugs off a changing table in a public restroom.

“And I did a bunch [cocaine] at a gas station in the bathroom off of one of those Koala baby changing stations.” [audience groans] (That’s what the Netflix captions claim but since I’m listening to this thing in addition to reading this thing, it’s more of a laugh than a groan.) “What? That’s what those are for. [laughter] You think you’re supposed to put a human baby on that mouse trap of a device? [laughter] They have gang signs carved into them. [audience groans] (Again, I do not agree, it was more laughter, more muted laughter but laughter nonetheless.) Those are for snorting coke off of. When you’re a cokehead, you see the world in terms of surfaces.”

-John Mulaney except the stuff in parenthesis, that’s me

Towards the end of the special, Mulaney revisits the changing table theme, this time using it for its intended purpose. He’s in a museum with his son Malcom. We learn Malcolm is 9 months at this time. Then John Mulaney says the most batshit insane thing in a special that was supposed to kinda be about coming back from batshit insane experience.

“And I’d never been out with him and had to change a diaper alone in public before.”

-John Mulaney, a quote I checked 10x

9 months. John Mulaney did not change his son’s diaper in public for the first 9 months of the child’s life. I had to rewind the special multiple times to make sure I was correct. I’m currently looking at the paused Netflix screen, time stamp 1:10:09 of John Mulaney “Baby J.” Yep. 9 months. He didn’t change a diaper in public before the child was 9 months.

I asked a dozen dads the first time they used a changing table in a public bathroom. The average baby age was 2.5 months. The youngest was 1 month. The oldest was 6 months.

Is John Mulaney a good dad?

All of the dads I polled are in the age range of Mulaney, 35 to 45. All of the dads I polled live in or near cities. All of the dads I polled had children around the same year as Mulaney (in other words during Covid). The average baby age was 2.5 months.

Is John Mulaney a relatable dad?

I am not friends with John Mulaney. I do not think it’s fair to judge someone’s parenting. But Mulaney’s comedy is framed around being a normal person in absurd situations. So if he’s bringing up the first time he uses a changing table in a public setting, he’s opening that door for questioning.

I do not care Mulaney is divorced. I do not care Mulaney is an addict. I do not care Mulaney spends $12,000 to buy a watch to instantly pawn for $6,000. Whatever. It’s weird to me when anyone equates Mulaney’s struggles with any addiction with sort of cancel (THEIR TERM, NOT MINE!) culture BS. Who cares who’s sleeping with whom? As long as it’s consensual, go for it. But when Mulaney brings up that he didn’t use a public changing table until his son was 9 months old, I care. Why? Why do I care?

Changing diapers is not difficult. Changing diapers should not be applauded. Hell, changing diapers may be the easiest aspect of parenthood. I have never and, fingers crossed, will never, care that I had to change a diaper, including once in the midst of a Southwest Airlines flight (The kid loved it! It was super easy!). I do not wish I wasn’t changing diapers.

There are multiple reasons to not use a public changing room table until the child is 9 months old. Based on his Instagram account, stand up, podcasts and late night appearances, it appears Mulaney didn’t use a public changing table for the first 9 months of his child’s life because he had help. That’s it. Making lots of money helps parents afford to pay for lots of child care help.

I do not think Mulaney is a bad dad. I do think I’m jealous of every parent able to afford the kind of help Mulaney has. Thanks for reading. I have to stop writing this to change another diaper.

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