The UK has certainly had a massive presence in the United States throughout the history of recorded pop music. They’ve given us a handful of musical invasions, manias and waves over the years and their contributions in rock, metal, new wave, punk and pop have not only charted, but stood the test of time.

But as Americans we get to see the best of the English exports, meanwhile back home, they’re in the lab doing the hard work of testing these songs on British ears to mixed results. So here I’ll explore a handful of the UK’s Billy Dinners of music. The little jingles that could never survive outside of their environment, but hit #1 in the smaller market of the UK. The songs that were too esoteric, too shitty and often just too British for us and our sanded down, optimized, focus grouped US charts. 

The Timelords “Doctorin’ the Tardis”

This is the song that sent me down the rabbit hole of finding UK #1 hits that would never make it in the US probably because it’s the most British one of all. A mashup of the Doctor Who theme song and Gary Glitter’s “Rock n Roll Part 1”. It’s a cynically constructed prank of a song I found out about through the youtube music history channel Trash Theory. The Timelords aren’t a real band, and I think the song’s fictional backstory is that it was written by a car? Anyway Britain ate it up, the absolute pigs.

Goombay Dance Band “Seven Tears”

It’s easy to forget that the UK is European sometimes, what with all the speaking English and famously bland cuisine, but then you get something like the German act The Goombay Dance Band charting at #1 and it all makes sense. America would never accept this; a guy with a German accent doing a spoken word section over the melody of “Auld Lang Syne” saying weird stuff like, “If dreams were eagles I would fly, but they ain’t!”

Mr. Blobby “Mr. Blobby”

The UK has a rich(?) tradition of spamming the charts during Christmas to prop up a novelty song as the #1 hit and this one from 1993 is widely considered the shittiest. I dunno, it’s tedious at first but then I kinda like it a little when it becomes self aware. Then I got tired of it really fast. It’s true it is bad, but it’s not the worst. We at least got some fun visuals out of this video, and I have to respect trolling an entire country that used to be a world empire with a farting blob.

Sandi Thom “I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker”

This is a sing-a-long chant about how the old days used to be better when punks and hippies ruled the earth. Not a lot to like here for a crusty old hater like me, but why didn’t it ever catch on in America? It has a “you couldn’t make this today” sensibility we tend to latch onto, it’s basically the song version of a YouTube comment under a song from the 70s. My only guess is that it mentions “footballers” at some point. Sorry, Sandi, you were so close to crossing over.

Bucks Fizz “Making Your Mind Up”

This band seems like a British version of ABBA and they had three #1 hits in the early 80s stemming from their victory in the 1981 Eurovision song contest. I don’t know anything about Eurovision, or this band, but I don’t like this song or any of their other hits and their name is terrible. See, what made ABBA cool (besides the songs being great) was that you knew they fucked, and these guys seem like repressed British Osmonds.

LF System “Afraid to Feel”

This is a more recent one, and as the UK’s music world assimilates into a global pop machine we get fewer and fewer folk-art-bad singles like Mr. Blobby. But this song by a Scottish duo seems like it couldn’t chart in the US because it’s too interesting. I like it! Way to go, LF System.

Jive Bunny and the Mixmasters “That’s What I Like”

We’ve come a long way since Jive Bunny and the Mixmasters, and you can see the seeds of more interesting dopamine-activating mash ups that would come later with acts like Girl Talk or Neil Cicierega here. That doesn’t mean this is very good though.

Manchester United Football Club & Status Quo “Come on You Reds”

It’s clear why this would never be big in America. It’s a soccer fight song sung by the team and a band called Status (Stay-tus) Quo. Impossible to truly judge a song like this, but it does make me wish we could get things like this in the US. Team songs feel like a thing of the past, and even if we do get them there’s no chance they’re charting. The closest we got was Scott Stapp’s masterpiece “Marlins Will Soar.”

Ian Dury & The Blockheads “Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick”

I like Ian Dury, but lord he sounded like he was gonna sweep me chimney and that just doesn’t fly in the US. This isn’t my favorite song of his but it does have a dude playing two saxophones at the same time so you can’t complain.

D:Ream “Things Can Only Get Better”

Just give it a click and watch this king go off.

Aneka “Japanese Boy”

Obviously a white Scottish woman in a Kimono isn’t a good look today in any country. I wasn’t alive in 1981 when this novelty disco song charted so I can’t vouch for the nuances of the cultural climate then, but listen, it’s catchy, and if you divorce it from its bummer cultural appropriation vibes, I think you could get away with spinning it for a dance floor today.

St. Winifred’s School Choir “There’s No One Quite Like Grandma”

Another Christmas #1 hit. There’s nothing I can write here that will outdo the title of this song. So perfectly British, so quaint and demure. Not even technically praise of Grandma, but she’s certainly one of a kind.

Doop “Doop”

“Doop” by Doop. It’s pretty rough on the ears, but honestly the trance-inducing dance rhythm might not be so bad if it wasn’t for all the doops. But then what would you call the song? Or the band? Gotta have the doops.

Bob the Builder “Mambo No. 5”

This is a parody of the Lou Bega song but with lyrics about Bob the Builder and it was the #1 song in the UK when 9/11 happened.

Honorable Mention

Fast Food Rockers “Fast Food Song”

Technically this peaked at #2 so it doesn’t totally count, but this song feels like it was made to be included as a background storytelling element of a Paul Verhoeven movie. It’s still hard for me to believe this exists.

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