A few nights ago while I watched Alex Bregman hit a weak pop up with a runner on third to secure another dispiriting Cubs loss, I felt like I was watching a horror movie. The kind where the audience is full of dread because they know something bad is gonna happen, they just don’t know when or how. It was at that moment that I remembered how this whole season started, in Oracle Park, with a severed hand riding around the bases on a skateboard towards the mound. In case you, like most of America, has memory-holed Opening Night on Netflix, this was their promotional crossover stunt for “Wednesday.” The Thing, severed and stitched, rolling out with a ball to kick off the sport that values tradition over any other.

In doing some cursory research I found a slight precedent for this: In 2016 at a Japanese baseball game they had Sadako from “The Ring” (Samara from the American Remake) throw out a first pitch accompanied by three other smaller Sadakos. I implore you to look this up, it’s incredible. In the spirit of these strange crossovers I’d like to propose a list of horror characters I’d like to see throw out a ceremonial first pitch.  

Hannibal Lecter

A genuinely evil man being wheeled up to the plate to the horror of fans everywhere, but enough about George H.W. Bush’s first pitch in 2015.

Pennywise

Rises from the mound like it’s a sewer and beans a kid sitting behind home plate through the netting somehow.

Freddy Krueger

Immediately destroys the ball with his claw glove and says, “How’s that for changeup, bitch?” 

Chucky

It would just be nice for Jose Altuve to see a pitcher his own size. 

Jigsaw

“I want to play a game.” Well, you came to the right place old man, now put down that medieval torture device and toss one down the middle. 

Ash from “Evil Dead”

You’d think he’d throw with the non-chainsaw arm. You’d think…

Xenomorph

I just like to picture the catcher wiping his hands on his kneepads after catching the acid-covered ball thrown out of the alien’s mouth. 

Jason

The crowd boos and laughs at the man wearing a mask for the wrong sport. 

Michael Myers 

Gargantuan, slow, determined, unstoppable. It’s Bartolo Colon rounding the bases after his home run! 

Slenderman

With that height and wingspan I genuinely think he could throw heat. It would essentially be like watching Jacob Misiorowski. 

Carrie

Right as she’s about to throw it, buckets of Cracker Jacks are poured on her head. 

Regan from “The Exorcist”

Grounds crew has to delay the game by an hour to clean up what looks like split pea soup. 

Nikki from “Obsession”

(After throwing way outside of the zone) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I thought we were having a nice GAME! I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A NICE GAME!

Jack Torrance

All heat and no offspeed makes Jack a dull boy.

The Kid from “The Sixth Sense”

Wets his pants on the mound as it turns into a sort of “Angels in the Outfield” thing but less heartwarming.

Patrick Bateman

Delays the game by an hour explaining the origins of the song “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” but he’s perfectly dressed for a rain delay. 

Pinhead

Look, man, I gotta be honest, I’ve never seen “Hellraiser.” I bet him throwing a first pitch would be crazy, though by the look of that mf. 

Ghostface

He’s about to throw the pitch when he is unmasked and it turns out to be that scumbag Trevor Bauer trying to pitch in an MLB game again.

This piece is in Recommend If You Like The Baseball Issue Summer 2026. You can find physical copies in bars, cafes and stores in Chicago and Washington, D.C. The newspaper is available for purchase here. 

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