SPOILERS AHEAD: Obviously, but also not really?

Sylvester Stallone is not funny. That is an opinion of course, but one that approaches scientific fact based on nearly 50 years of evidence.  He does, however, pull off one hell of a subversive joke to open his director’s cut of Rocky IV: the first seven minutes of the new Rocky IV is actually Rocky III.

Now, Rockys II-V all begin with a rehash of the previous film’s climactic fight, but this time it is different. The film opens with Rocky getting pummeled and KOd by Clubber Lang (Mr. T) and then proceeds through a series of vignettes highlighting Rocky’s friendship with Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers). Here we already have an idea of what type of director’s cut we are going to see. This is definitely not a “this is the film I would have made had those studio bastards not butchered it” director’s cut. This is a remix. You liked the first one? Well, here’s a bunch of stuff that didn’t make it in there that I have “masterfully reshaped.*” (*taken from Amazon’s synopsis.)

OG Rocky IV takes a crisp 3 minutes and 30 seconds to rehash its predecessor, complete with the bizarre “pickup” fight that Rocky and Apollo have after Mr. T has been vanquished.

The directors cut gives us double that time, minus the aforementioned friendly punch up.  

And…I’m sorry, but the robot is gone. No robot. Not a frame. Those of you here to read about newly-added robot scenes can go. Thanks for stopping by. 

https://twitter.com/murderwizard/status/1300160957436563457

So this film delivers zero percent robot and at least 200 percent more Rocky III. 

Imagine seeing this in the theater in 1985, about 5 minutes in, some knucklehead looks back at the projectionist’s window and says, “Hey buddy! You’re showing us the wrong one! We already seen this one!” 

But that’s the freedom and beauty of Rocky vs. Drago. The original was a masterstroke of capitalist propaganda that basically won us the Cold War. My man Sly is playing with house money in the director’s cut. So he can choose to emphasize the relationship between Rocky and Apollo versus having to play up the “USA good/Ruskies bad” angle. 

It is worth noting that the original Rocky IV is made up of more recylced parts than hippie toilet paper. According to IMDb it is 31.9% percent montage and a great deal of that montage comes from the previous three films. The quintessence of this snake eating its tail and asking for dessert is Rocky IV’s most infamous and lazy montage: the one where Rocky drives around in his hotshit sports car, he still has the personalized “SOTHPAW” license plate- reminiscing about old times with his dead buddy Apollo and fearing Drago. In the spirit of this original laziness, Sly uses the exact same recycled footage but…puts a sepia filter on it! That’s some bootleg YouTube video bullshit there. Fortunately, most sequences are reshaped a little more imaginatively. 

The first new scene we see is Apollo and Rocky outside Rocky’s mansion doing a walk and talk filled with a little more exposition. We learn that Rocky has been offered an exhibition fight with Drago but he doesn’t want to fight until, “He has to.” Apollo proceeds to vent his disgust at the mere existence of this big ugly commie and his wife (Sly’s real life wife at the time Brigitte Nielsen) who is trying to “win over women” by saying what a “great guy” Drago is. It’s easy to see why this scene was cut, its theme is covered in the subsequent two scenes of the original and the “win over women” line is ridiculous even by peak Cold War standards. But hey, the Rocky fan nerd in me rejoices! New content! 

We also get a scene with Adrian and Rocky in the kitchen. Adrian’s fear for Apollo’s safety and feelings about how unnecessary the fight is are laid bare. She tells Rocky that this isn’t the Middle Ages when a nation’s greatest warriors were sent to settle disputes with enemies. Now, I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s way too on the nose and actually a valid criticism of the film and its events so again, easy to see why the scene didn’t make the cut. I feel like it’s a tip of the cap to Talia Shire from Sly. It also occupies the space held by that pesky robot.

Eliminating the robot also unfortunately nixes the tableau that is inadvertently the best piece of Soviet propaganda in the original. Rocky’s lovable abusive alcoholic brother in law Paulie is served a Stroh’s beer by his now-feminized robot while he puts away a pint of Baskin Robbins. It’s a passage straight out of Pravda, degenerate lazy capitalist pig eating ice cream and swilling beer while lusting after an android. But by nixing this, we get to see Adrian punch a bag of rolls after having her concerns appeased and ignored by her loving husband. So that’s cool, too! 

Unfortunately, we all know what happens next. Apollo Creed must achieve fistic martyrdom by being stricken down by the evil godless commie Drago.

But not before James Brown!

Lucky for us, “Living in America” is left pretty much intact. Like many scenes, we are given slightly different angles and more wide shots. If you like wide shots that should have been a close up and were in the original, you are gonna dig this cut hard. 

Gone is the scene from the original which takes place before the big musical number/bloodbath in which Rocky gives the worst pep talk in sports movie history by basically telling Apollo to postpone the fight after his hands are taped and they are minutes away from round one. Or so I thought. This scene is actually re-hashed later in Rocky’s dressing room before his fight with Drago. This is another prevailing technique in this edit, cut and paste somewhere else for dramatic effect.

The update of the fight scenes using enhanced sound and less music is an interesting touch. Apollo gets his ass murdered in a slightly different way that hard core Rockheads like myself will appreciate.

Which brings us to the funeral and a speech by Apollo’s trainer, late great Tony Burton, in which he rehashes some bizarre libertarian themes that begin to appear in the latter Rocky sequels. You see, Apollo lived by the code of the warrior and we must respect his right to die like a warrior at a dinner theater in Las Vegas. 

In an expanded scene between Rocky and his son this theme is further explored when Rocky basically tells his boy that. “You gotta do what you gotta do even when everyone who is smarter than you is telling you it’s the dumb thing to do and don’t do dat dumb thing.” And then he drops this pearl, “You gotta live for yourself so you can live with yourself.” Which I’m pretty sure is the worst advice ever and exactly what is wrong with the world today. And look, the camera is out wider so we can see Adrian crying and begging him not to go fight! 

But fight he must and he must go through two grueling back to back training montages, mostly as far as I could tell, like the originals. A few more wide shots. Oh, and Rocky hits a heavy bag. I just thought the commies “forgot” to give him one. Upon Rocky and company’s arrival in Russia, we have a scene in which his trainer argues with their assigned escort about sparring partners. The Russian says, “Nyet! Haven’t you ever seen a Rocky movie man? He doesn’t spar, he chases chickens and does chores and shit to get ready for a fight!”

Drago still gets his futuristic training methods and dripping syringes. I began to think about the actors themselves, ‘roided to the tits, pushing their bodies into a dangerous zone to give us this historical document. Stallone actually spent time in the hospital after one of Dolph Lundgren’s punches bruised his heart. No wonder he wanted to milk the last bit out of this footage depicting him as a Greek god defending Western civilization. 

The first time Rocky goes down, we are treated to an inner monologue. Rocky tells himself to breathe and believe in himself and perhaps most importantly, to get up. I thought well Christ, if he gives a speech to himself every time his ass hits the mat, this cut will be 3 hours long. But the new Rocky IV clocks in at a trim and ready 94 minutes, just three minutes longer than the original. 

It does manage to contain a great deal of new treats for fans. It also sheds light on what a slick, streamlined, albeit empty vehicle the original was. We did not need to see Rocky’s meeting with the boxing commission, titles don’t matter when you are fighting as a thermonuclear surrogate for your country. We don’t really need to see the referee come to Rocky’s corner before the final round, finally acknowledging the rules of boxing and asking him if he is okay to continue. But I’m glad we did. 

And if you miss the robot, go back and watch the original. It gets plenty of screen time. What this cut comes down to is a man at the end of a career of extreme peaks and valleys taking his quarantine vacation and challenging himself with a question: what could happen if I lose the robot?

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