Batman Batsuit Rankings
Gotham has seen its fair share of bat-themed fashion. From the almost cotton candied hues of the 60’s to the Hot Topic spikes of the 80s to the “what if we kind of make Batman look like a super cop?” of the newer generation, no matter the bat-suit, one thing is clear, Batman loves a trend cycle. Niples come and niples go. Veins and wrinkles get etched into the rubber of his mask and then dissipate (or switch places). And those spiky bat ears go up and down like women’s hemlines. We might not have an economic theory based on the length of those ears, but with a new Batman in town, who knows what the future holds.
And in honor of The Batman, we’re taking a long, totally empirical look at the state of his suit. That’s right, we’re ranking those slabs of black rubber based on how fucking cool they look. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be deeper than that. Superheroes might have a bevy of motivations and traumas roiling beneath their capes, but everything on the outside is just supposed to look cool enough to sell some Funko Pops. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
8. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice / Justice League
I understand that they were going for an older, haggard version of Batman for this Ben Affleck reboot, but these two costumes (which were similar enough mash together) aren’t doing anything for Batman. Or alternatively, they’re doing everything for Batman, but not in the way they should be. My main gripes are 1. The ears are so small they look adorable and 2. The bat logo is so big and wide, it too looks adorable. Like a big ol’ bat you could turn into a stuffed animal, reaching its wings out to give you a hug. It’s not sharp or goth-y or even comic book-esque, it’s a strange mixture of childishness coated with a bland criss cross of scratches that make it look like a used car. I get that you put a lot of miles on this baby, Bruce… but why?
That being said, the mech suit in Batman v Superman is honestly very cool. But it’s a variation! It’s not his main suit squeeze, you know?
7. Batman Begins
It’s fine. It’s fine. But when it comes to superheroes and movies with budgets bigger than god, fine is not going to cut it. I like that weaved in the gold belt for a little pop of color, I dig the return of the slightly less stretched out chest logo, and the slightly longer ears. We’re making steps toward a more interesting bat suit here. Also, I do enjoy the slightly more cartoonish eyebrow sculpting on the mask itself. Everything is better than the suit in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Justice League but we still have to climb out of this pit prison before we get to the good stuff.
6. Batman Returns
Michael Keaton’s second spin in the bat suit bucks the trend of preserving all of Batman’s muscles in latex, and instead presents us with a smoothed out, modular like torso. It’s interesting. I like that they took some risks and did something different instead of having the entire costume department come together to make sure each centimeter of his pecs were accurately translated into fabric. Also, I dig the pops of color. Don’t get me wrong, I like a blacked out goth batman, but in a sea of black and grey suits, those yellow slices of sunshine really stand out.
5. Batman & Robin
This might not be everyone’s favorite Batman movie from a purely cinematic standpoint, but there are some fun things happening with this costume. First off, we’re back into the very long, aggressively pointy ears and I’m very pleased to see them again, but beyond that, it’s out first #NippleSuit. That’s right, George Clooney was pointing those babies left and right throughout this movie, which is deeply funny. I mean, if you’re going to contour every muscle on Batman’s abdomen, why are you skimping on the nips? The chest logo here is fully blacked out, and Batman is rocking some fin-like forearm spikes that I think are pretty fun. A solid, sexy Batman costume.
4. The Dark Knight / The Dark Knight Rises
Again, I’m combining two movies here. I guess director Christopher Nolan got lazy and decided that one blockbuster suit was basically good enough (with perhaps a few minor deviations), but that’s his prerogative. This belt maintains the subtle light gold color that debuted in Batman Begins, but the bat suit goes in a different direction when it comes to that always important abdominal area. Batman’s abs look almost robot-like. They’re not curvaceous and seductive, they’re angular and rigid. I feel like this is a spiritual precursor to the mech suit from Batman V. Superman and I’m not mad about it. A solid suit for a solid Batman.
3. Batman Forever
We’re kicking off the top three with my personal favorite Batman look and my childhood favorite Batman movie! Is this competition rigged? Absolutely! Do I care? Not a whit. And when you peep the FOREARM SPIKES and HEELED BOOTS that Val Kilmer rocks in this flick, you’ll probably stop caring too. This is the Hot Topic Batman to end all Hot Topic Batmans. I know 1995 is a little early, at that point, Hot Topic hadn’t quite reached it’s mall goth peak, but as the kids would say, this is the blueprint. I mean, what doesn’t this suit have? It’s the introduction of the nipples, which changed the game. We’ve got some nice pointy ears, the aforementioned spikes and heels. It’s perfect in my eyes and my heart, but it’s not the best suit on this list.
2. Batman (1966)
Look, classics are classics for a reason. From the drawn on eyebrows and nose to the bright gold accents, this is a sweet Batman that you actually want to spend time with. This Batman seems nice and approachable. This Batman isn’t going to put you in cuffs for smoking weed. This Batman likes to kick it in his comfortable suit and cool yellow belt. It might not be the “coolest” bat suit, but it’s the most iconic bat suit and you know it was way more fun to wear than any of the rubber on latex on performance material monsters we’re working with these days. A toast to the orig movie Batman for keeping it cozy.
1. Batman (1989)
Welcome to my dad’s favorite Batman! There is 100% a corner of my brain that has been influenced by his love for Michael Keaton’s 80s Batman, but no one gets to live in a vacuum and my dad has good taste in Batman’s so we’re going with it. While this suit doesn’t have a ton of extra flourishes, it pilfers from the more cartoonish aspects of Batman’s suits and the grittier suits, which makes it feel more balanced and generally appealing. I’ve been thinking of Batman suits as falling into two categories, you either get full comic book camp or you get rugged future cop. While I personally prefer comic book camp, which obviously gets sexed up in Batman Forever, the perfect suit is really a combination of the two. It’s the godhead, two suits in one Bat. It’s got those bright comic book splashes of color, while still covering Keaton in so much softly sculpted rubber that he looks like a shark. It’s the perfect Batman suit. It wins.
This story is a list, but it’s also an admission. One where I couch my excitement for The Batman because there’s no Batman villain I’ve spent more time watching than The Riddler. I mean, sure, Heath Ledger was the hottest Batman villain as the Joker, which tells you almost exactly how much time I’ve spent in a Hot Topic in my life, but The Riddler was my childhood Batman villain. Whatever happens with this shiny new toy that is The Batman, we can pin all of our thoughts and prayers and humanity to one inadmissible truth, this isn’t the first Batman and it won’t be the last. Like Michael Myers, this franchise always comes back from the grave.
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