I am absolutely, without question, the wrong person to write this. I made it clear to the editor of this website that I don’t like either of these bands and I’ve never heard either of these songs. My lack of knowledge and enthusiasm was seen as a potentially interesting angle, so here we are. If you’re a Pantera or Smiths fan, please understand that I don’t get your whole thing, but I am coming from a place of openness.

To me The Smiths and Pantera are more musical archetypes rather than real bands with catalogs, fan bases and histories. The Smiths are the manifestation of ghostly-pale British cleverness set to inoffensive, and somehow also clever jangly guitar riffs and bouncy bass. They are proper, clean, and distantly ironic and you can imagine them all fainting in unison on a huge band-sized chaise lounge if someone belched.

Pantera on the other hand are grimy Southern drug dudes in cutoff shorts and shirts. They live forever in my mind as the band version of that kid that never changed out of camo fatigues all summer in 1992 then had a perfectly honed tall tale about hospitalizing his karate teacher by the time 2nd grade rolled around. 

They’re the anti-Smiths. The uniting factor (besides the fact both frontmen have “racial controversies” Wikipedia sections) is their penchant for gloom and darkness. The Smiths through quirky irony and Pantera through brutal bluntness.

So who did it better? Well, let me listen to these songs for the first time ever, in real time and write about them. First, Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates.”

OK, a big squealin’ riff out of the gate dripping with 90s WWF entrance theme guitar tone. It’s fine, definitely hard. These guys aren’t messing around. It sounds like what I understand Pantera to sound like, a sloppy drunk fist fight in a 7-Eleven parking lot in broad daylight. 

I don’t like the verse very much. It’s not that it’s too soft, but rather the way it’s soft. My biggest problem with this song so far is that I don’t like their guitar tone. It sounds like an amp demo. OK, Phil Anselmo is doing some Rob Halford vocal stuff and I wish it was more like that.

Just when I start to think “this song is taking forever” in comes a long second guitar solo into a mild thrash breakdown. OK, now Dimebag Darrell and Anselmo are doing call and response squeals and high pitched guitar note bends to close us out.

I’ll be blunt: this is doing nothing for me. Prior to this I only knew their songs “Cowboys From Hell” and “Walk” and both do the cartoony tough guy thing better than “Cemetery Gates.”

Now for The Smith’s “Cemetry Gates” whose title’s misspelling is making me think of the Superego “How British am I?” sketch. Removing the extra “e” from “cemetery is exceedingly British. 

(Feel free to take a little break from reading this, and watch it if you haven’t)

I’m just a few seconds in and the bassline is cool, the riff is catchy and I’m feeling it. I am a music > lyrics guys, so it’s very easy for me to get into a song and have no idea what it’s about. I like it that way. If a song wants to be about something, that’s it’s business. Sometimes when a song is about something and I’m into it, that’s just a bonus.

Morrissey’s lyrics demand you listen to them though, which is why The Smiths never really clicked with me. I don’t listen to music to hear a fancy lad’s ironic poems. I am here to bob my head around while I do the dishes.

Here’s a quick checklist of what I assume are Morrissey’s lyrical hallmarks in “Cemetry Gates”:

“A dreaded sunny day” (OK, dude)

References to at least three different poets

Scolding a friend for plagiarism

Saying “I want to cry”

Is it self parody or self aware critic trolling? I can’t be sure, and that’s fine. Morrissey is doing his own damn thing, and good for him.

So it just goes on for a bit with this pleasant riff and then it’s done. It’s notable that this song is three solid minutes shorter than the Pantera song. This is a huge leg up for The Smiths. 

My final verdict is that The Smiths run away with this one. I’ll end up putting this song on again, and it’ll be stuck in my head for a few days. Even just a few minutes after hearing it, when I try to remember the Pantera song I think I’m just hearing the “Cowboys From Hell” riff. I appreciate that both of these bands have strong identities and are creating their own worlds. I don’t want to live in either of those worlds, but I want to live in the Pantera one way less. 

I think at least five people have tried to get me to be a Smiths fan, and I may never fully come around, but how about this for a compromise: Johnny Marr is great and the bassline in “Cemetry Gates” is good. Happy?

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