Every MLB Uniform Ranked
Cold beer in the sunshine. Overpriced chicken tenders. The banal chitchat of two men with silky smooth radio voices. Not being able to use your own TV in your own home because there’s a goddamn game on every night for what feels like eight months straight. And a group of moderately handsome to incredibly handsome men all dressed up like they all belong to the same cult / private school (it’s always the belts that get me).
In honor of the All-Star game and summertime and the intense emotions that come from arbitrarily ranking things, we’re taking on the uniforms of MLB. From the very worst to the very best, we’ve dug into the numbers (i.e. our hearts) and consulted the history books (i.e. other blogs) to come up with the SABRmetrics of uniform ranking. It’s empirical, baby.
And no matter how they’re ranked, it’s important to remember that all of these uniforms are better than the official All-Star uniforms, which should be sliced up à la Chris Sale.
Welcome to the All-Suit game, may the best design win.
30. CLEVELAND INDIANS
Starting with some of the most boring uniforms on the diamond, we’ve got the Indians in dead last. This get up pulls from a lot of current conventions, you’ve got the patriotic mix of dark blue, white and red, plus a blocky serif font. It’s not bad, it’s just nothing (which might be worse than bad).
29. PITTSBURGH PIRATES
I can appreciate the fact that the gothy Pirates font looks like what you’d see on a haunted house carnival ride. What I can’t appreciate is the fact that this team isn’t doing anything fun with the color yellow. White uniforms can look crisp and I kind of love how trashed to hell and dirty they can get during the course of a game, but they’ve taken the most interesting part of their logo and turned it into a boring halo effect. In the words of Britney, gimme more.
28. SAN DIEGO PADRES
I understand that pinstripes are a heritage baseball style that harkens back to the roots of the game. I’ve seen… parts… of Ken Burns’ Baseball. I know what I’m getting into with this list. I just think they look bad and stuffy! The Padres aren’t doing anything to stand out on the field and this certainly isn’t a look I would want to rock as a civilian. I will say, I do like the yellow and black striped cuffs that wrap around the sleeves and the neckline. That pop of color makes this outfit look a little more exciting than the previous teams.
27. ATLANTA BRAVES
One day we’ll live in a world where 90% of teams don’t have the same team colors, but since that day isn’t today, we’re putting the Braves toward the back of the pack for their combo of navy, red and white. I do like how the thin red and navy stripes contrast against the flat grey background. It’s clean.
26. CINCINNATI REDS
If concocting this list has taught me anything, it’s that I can appreciate a cool toned grey. Once again, the Cincinnati font looks like something you’d see at a carnival, but I’m into it. And look at that cute lil red belt.
25. MILWAUKEE BREWERS
This Brewers uniform is taking me back to my high school days. We also wore navy blue and gold. It’s a safe color combo, but at least it’s a little more interesting than the navy, red and white crew. I just wished the pants and top looked a little more cohesive.
24. NEW YORK YANKEES
Somehow, the Yankees have created the perfect concoction of a uniform that looks both busy and boring. You know my feelings about pinstripes! They’re not doing anything for anyone unless you’re cosplaying as Beetlejuice or Jack Skellington. What I’m saying is, pinstripes are for goths and goths only.
23. BOSTON RED SOX
The red looks nice and the Red Sox font is good. I wish their numbers weren’t a boring sans serif font. Bring that wiggly typeface to the back of your uniform! Let’s have fun with it. While we’re here, I have to mention the horrible City Connect uniforms designed for Boston. I understand it’s a Boston Marathon tie-in, but I hate that gritty font more than anything.
22. LOS ANGELES ANGELS
Another solid, yet predictable red uniform. I appreciate the monochromatic look with the red Angels logo and the red top. I’d love to see how it would look if they took it all the way and did red pants, cult style.
21. LOS ANGELES DODGERS
It’s clean. It’s solid. I’m loving the bright, cobalt blue of the Dodgers logo and the cherry red of the numbers. It still feels a little basic, but certainly not bad.
20. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
Okay, so this is one of the new Nike City Connect uniforms. I have to say, while there are better City Connect options (we’ll get to those in a bit), I am enjoying the orange gradient and those pops of bright orange under the clean white button ups. I wish the gradient looked a little cleaner, maybe a softer fade into pure white instead of hitting that great orange color with the spray paint tool from Microsoft Paint, but either way, I appreciate them doing something different. Also this Photoshoot rules.
19. WASHINGTON NATIONALS
I know I am going to get in trouble for this ranking because I live in the home of the Nationals, but I have to follow my heart. These uniforms are good and clean. I love the dark navy variation with those slivers of white and red, but they wouldn’t stand out in a lineup. They’re solid, but they don’t transcend basic conventions and trends. I’m not mad, but I’m not in love.
18. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
There are a lot of things I like about this uniform. I like that it has a whimsical and cartoony feel. I like that they’re incorporating an implement of the game into their look and I like the way the ‘s’ in St. Louis wraps around said implement. But despite what that one old Portlandia bit wants you to believe, there are too many birds on this uniform. Take out one of the birds.
17. HOUSTON ASTROS
I feel like this will be a controversial pick, but what makes the Astro’s uniforms stand out from all of the other teams with navy uniforms is that sick underarm orange stripe pattern. It looks vintage and cool and fun. I appreciate that they’re doing something no other team is doing with this look, without going overboard into the gaudy zone.
16. TORONTO BLUE JAYS
The only reason the Blue Jays are in the top twenty is because of that killer font. It’s so unique compared to all of the other fonts on this list, I had to bump it up. The bird logo is fine. The bright blue looks cool. But that font, which manages to look sort of vintage and sort of contemporary, is a good one.
15. DETROIT TIGERS
The Tigers are celebrating the legacy of Negro League team the Detroit Stars with this cool throwback uniform. I know I’ve waxed poetic about my dislike of pinstripes before, but I think that thick blue line that wraps around the neckline and borders the buttons really brings it all together. Also the bright white ‘R’ in the center is really working for me.
14. MINNESOTA TWINS
I know you’re thinking, why are the Minnesota Twins so high on this list? And I have an answer, but I don’t think it’s one you’ll find particularly satisfying. I just really dig the Twins font. I think it’s an excellent combo between the popular script fonts and the more modern serif fonts. It’s tight, contained and excellently designed. The red halo is the perfect width. It does something to my brain.
13. SEATTLE MARINERS
We’ve got another slick Negro League throwback uniform. Yes, it’s very simple. And yes, I’ve been raging against these types of uniforms for the entirety of this list, but I have to respect just how minimal this uniform looks. It’s clean and lean.
12. CHICAGO WHITE SOX
It was hard to choose my favorite White Sox uniform because they have two very fun options. After tabbing back and forth between them for what felt like days, I settled on this 80’s as hell look (which happened to be their uniform from 1982-86). Why are their numbers next to their crotches? Who knows, but it’s a fun innovation! I do have to shout out the very Hot Topic-esque City Connect uniforms, because those are fun too, but they don’t have the crotch numbers.
11. KANSAS CITY ROYALS
You may have picked up on this by now, but I really like a powder blue uniform. It’s a fun twist on one of the most popular colors in baseball. I don’t know why every team has a hardon for blue, but if it’s powder blue, I can deal.
10. CHICAGO CUBS
That combo of dark blue and light blue is really doing it for me. Also Wrigelyville is both a fun word to say and a fun word to read! If I write anything bad about the Cubs, I feel like I’m going to get in trouble with the EIC of RIYL Mag, who is a lifelong Cubs fan. I’m kidding and also I’m not.
Also, welcome to the top ten! Thanks for sticking with me or thanks for scrolling right down to the bottom so you can judge my number one pick. Either way, I’m enjoying your delicious page views.
9. TEXAS RANGERS
The nice thing about the Rangers’ powder blue uniforms is that they take it all the way with the powder blue pants. I love a monochromatic look. Give me full color.
8. NEW YORK METS
I have been told that this is another controversial pick, but I love a black uniform. It’s very goth and very cool. I mean, I’m sure it’s very hot and annoying for players that have to wear them in the sun for hours at a time, but think of the aesthetics.
7. BALTIMORE ORIOLES
I must admit that I am an Orioles fan and I have had my birthday displayed on the jumbotron and Camden Yards. But, how can you deny this Halloween color scheme? I do miss the old bird logo though. The newish cartoon Oriole logo looks like it’s stuck in a hell dimension and is trying to escape. But maybe that’s me imparting my feelings onto the bird. We’ll never know. Cal Ripken Jr. forever, baby!
6. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
If this incredible throwback uniform didn’t exist the Diamondbacks would be in the back of the pack because I cannot abide by their “D’BACKS” branding. It make me think “douche backs” every time. Las Serpientes rules. I just wish they made a Las Serpientes cap to go along with that slick logo.
5. OAKLAND A’S
You have to give it to Oakland for breaking out of all the acceptable color schemes and deciding that they’re going to go with a jewel toned green for their uniforms. It’s different and it’s classy. If I were a fan, I would be glad to pay those MLB merch prices.
4. COLORADO ROCKIES
You cannot deny how good this purple looks. The Colorado font could be improved, I think it looks a little too delicate to really stand out… But that purple. That purple. It’s so loud and saturated and fun. I could stare at it all day.
3. TAMPA BAY RAYS
The normal Rays logo looks like it should be the logo for a Christian cable channel, but the throwback Devil Rays uniform looks like the kind of shit a kid who sells weed at an arcade wears. It rules. I love the blue to yellow gradient and the psychedelic looking mantaray. Every team should have a cooler “devil” version of their team.
2. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
This is the best powder blue logo. That color with the bright cherry red is near perfection. It’s got those ice cream summertime vibes.
- MIAMI MARLINS
An incredibly controversial pick, I know, but I can’t deny my feelings for this City Connect uniform. I know I’ve broken my own cardinal rule with the pinstripes, but they really don’t bother me here. I think the spacing between the pinstripes makes all of the difference. They’re not crowding the uniform, they’re the cherry on top. And speaking of cherry, that red and blue combo is a feast for the eyes. And the Sugar King throwback patches are cool as hell. It’s the perfect uniform.
Feature image courtesy of Nike
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