“Freedom hurts.” – Slavoj Žižek

There are a few common life experiences widely considered the most meaningful, including birth, death, and Chicago-style deep-dish pizza at Pequods. Others are marriage and divorce. Most of us don’t remember being born or have any idea what will happen to us when we die, but divorce is available to most of us, depending on the applicable laws and religious edicts. If you can get divorced, you should, and you should make sure it’s as meaningful and memorable as possible.

Everyone should get divorced. If you’re married, you should get divorced. If you’re single, you should get married and then get divorced. If you’re a bigamist, you should get lots of divorces.

Getting divorced brings an exquisite, exhilarating, and terrifying sense of freedom. In most cases, it’s also a soul-sucking slog that can take years. When you have the strength of character and conviction to survive it, you’re ready for anything, including new thresholds of anxiety, depression, and violent self-loathing.

When you get divorced, you’re letting the world know you’re a rebel who doesn’t play by its silly rules. Marriage and monogamy are outmoded conventions that were invented to stop peasant revolts and oppress our natural, insatiable horniness. As a freshly minted divorcee, you’ll join the ranks of devil-may-care libertines such as King Henry VIII, who started a whole new church so he could get remarried to a woman he eventually beheaded. Would you rather be frustrated and oppressed, or would you rather be Henry VIII?

Would you rather be frustrated and oppressed, or would you rather be Henry VIII?

Of course, freedom ain’t free, and divorce is ruinously expensive. You’ll lose most of your money, which means you won’t have to worry about hanging onto it. You’ll lose a lot of your stuff, including things that never sparked joy and things you thought sparked joy but actually didn’t, or at least that’s how you’re choosing to think of them now. Good riddance. It’s never too late to discover the joys of minimalism, cord-cutting, and dumpster-diving.

You’ll lose some social connections. Some of the people you regarded as “friends” were actually your spouse’s friends, which just proves you weren’t as loveable as you thought you were. Your ex may start a smear campaign and attempt to wreck your reputation, which will make you seem dangerous and allow you to sleep with hotter people than you’d ever thought possible.

If that doesn’t happen, you can always resort to the #GirlBoss dog-moms, coke-addled prep cooks, and savvy extortionists of dating apps such as Hinge, which bring all the thrills of barbaric, cutthroat capitalism to the process of finding someone who can tolerate your quirks long enough to complete intercourse. 

It’s a great time to hit the dating circuit. Cool and rebellious lifestyle choices such as BDSM, polyamory, and involuntary celibacy are now mainstream. According to recent findings in quantum physics from the noted chiropractor Dr. Joe Dispensza, it may soon be possible to go on excruciating first dates at Sweetgreen with everyone in the universe, living and dead, simultaneously. 

If you experienced cheating or other forms of emotional abuse during your marriage, that’s tough, but don’t worry! You’ll have plenty of time to work through all that misery when you try to start new relationships with people who had nothing to do with it and wonder what’s wrong with you.

If you have kids, well, you probably shouldn’t have. But Plan B doesn’t work retroactively, so you’ll have to accept that your kids are going to hate you more than the Duke Blue Devils for a while. Someday, they may grudgingly respect you for seizing your freedom and even get divorces of their own. In the meantime, be sure to provide financial support and show up for their game days, graduation ceremonies, and court hearings for fentanyl distribution and vandalism of churches.

If you have kids, well, you probably shouldn’t have.

Now that you’re divorced, you’ll have time to explore your passions that your spouse wasn’t into. You can rediscover your old interests, such as ska, graffiti, and suicidal ideation. You’ll feel like you’re in high school again.

Speaking of music, divorce will deepen your appreciation for great works such as Beck’s Sea Change, Marvin Gaye’s Here My Dear, and the Wrens’ The Meadowlands, all good records that turn into stone-cold classics as soon as you file your paperwork. Trust me, you may think you enjoy Carole King’s “It’s Too Late” or “Monkey Wrench” by the Foo Fighters, but if you’ve never gotten divorced, you don’t have the same depth of appreciation that I have, so keep that in mind.

In conclusion, everyone should get divorced as soon as possible. If you can’t handle the awesome freedom of divorce, you can always get married again, as many times as you like.

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