Dave & Buster’s is a nightmare, but slightly worse because you choose to participate in it. The food makes your mouth hurt, it’s a requirement for their servers to call you boss (or I have given off “boss” vibes every single time I’ve been; equally possible), and the drinks are so sugary you start to feel hungover before you get drunk. Not to mention the clientele, which are primarily horny teens dry grinding in the game booths. It’s overwhelming, it’s sticky, and one time I had a mild panic attack because I got way too high.

That being said, I keep going. I like it for the same reason I love horror movies. It creates an artificial, fictional setting you can settle into for a couple hours, and get to the other side relatively unscathed. You’ll see things that, were they real, might drive you to madness. I think that’s Lovecraftian. Dave & Buster’s is Lovecraftian. Please keep in mind, I have never read Lovecraft.

With that in mind, please assess your mental state before entering a Dave & Busters. Those on the edge should take precautions, have a support system, or simply not attend. This is a guide for the confidently lame, post-shame weirdos that want a new way to release gambling addict endorphins, but are too shy to play table games at a real casino. My people. Read up, and you won’t walk away feeling like you lost.

Find Your Prizes: I grew up spending summers on the New Jersey boardwalk. It instilled a carny element in my blood that I likely will never shake for the rest of my days. I’m all too aware of the bad prizes you’ll see at an arcade like this. 90% of the stuff here sucks. Stuffed animals are filled with tiny styrofoam beads, teeny plastic pool tables. This is amateur hour bullshit. I am not a kid, I am an adult man. I have won slide sandals, an oversized goblet that I now use to hold spare change, and yes, a Dave & Buster’s decanter set on two separate occasions (once for a wedding gift).

Your first stop should be to the prize center to find what calls you. Really take a look around. I already know my next prize will be a floating rubber duck bluetooth speaker I can bring to the pool. Winners have an agenda.

Are you at Dave & Buster’s to cash out with a pack of gummy hamburgers after an hour of palling around with your friends? Or are you methodically collecting tickets to purchase a PS4 or air fryer? You may not even know your goal going in your first time, but test the waters and see what suits you.

When You Are At Dave & Buster’s You Are At Work: OK, if you are one of the gummy hamburger people, get out. You don’t need help having fun, you’re doing just fine and quite frankly this advice is not for you. Dave & Buster’s is a casino and as a casino, you can either go there to play or you can go there to win. If you are planning on cashing out with a hefty prize you will have to treat this like work.

Only Go On Wednesdays: There are ½ price games on Wednesday, this is the only way to utilize the small advantage Dave & Buster’s will afford you. They also have a happy hour most days but certainly on Wednesday too. It’s totally fine to be drunk at Dave & Buster’s on a Wednesday by the way. It’s not weird or depressing or a “tell-tale sign that something’s fucked up about your home life.” It’s actually cool and fun.

Don’t Order Food: If you’re reading this I bet you get heartburn easily. I’m just looking out.

Go Alone or With Someone Who Knows the Deal: If you’re here to game for tickets, you can always go alone. This has it’s pros and cons. Pro: Your friends can’t see you. Con: A lot of other people will see you with no friends. If you have the strength for this, go for it! If not, choosing a friend is a whole thing.

Every friendship is a unique chemistry. You’ll need a very specific friend to come with you if you want to play to win. They must understand that it’s entirely possible you won’t speak to them for an hour straight. This friend may see you at your worst, banging the glass of the coin drop machine because you got royally fucked on your last token bonus. Don’t be afraid to leave it all on the field. This is not a first date place, this is an established friend place.

Games to Avoid: There are a handful of styles of games at Dave & Buster’s, but generally speaking there are carnival games like skee ball and pop-a-shot, video games where you and a friend shoot aliens, and boring ones designed to be played alone.

Abandon the idea of doing any of the fun ones, they pay nothing or if they do, you have to be good at throwing things, which you probably aren’t. Let’s just get this out of the way, here are some I tried on my last visit that really pissed me off:

Snow Down: A terrible game where you can compete with a friend to catch snow in a tube with a friend. (where you compete with a friend to catch…) It’s ludicrous and pays 10 tickets for far too much effort. I hate this game.

Press Your Luck: You can exit this game with as few as 4 tickets. Worthless.

Simpsons Soccer: This game is fun, you get to kick a real ball at Homer Simpson, don’t be drawn in by this, it’s a coin drain.

Anything that requires luck: No wheels, or claw machines. These are for babies. Grow up.

Really the only thing you need to be playing is some kind of coin drop. There will be multiple kinds throughout the arcade. At my location there are Star Trek and Wizard of Oz ones as well as some generic branded ones. They’re all great and you can sometimes find some unclaimed tokens in them if you’re just walking by, so always check. Find the one that you like the most and get into what I like to call “the coin zone.” This is the zone you get into when you play coin games.

Always Listen: The last time I went, a guy in front of me in line in the prize room just cashed in 100,000 tickets to get a Playstation 4. An unreal feat, the guy is a true hero. I congratulated him on it and asked how he did it. Then I totally zoned out while he told me. I’m a bad listener! I know he mentioned what games he played, but I was looking at the floating rubber duck bluetooth speaker I want to get next time so I totally missed it. We all have room to grow, I guess.

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