Being a fan of the Washington Football Team a decade ago is a lot like having Stockholm syndrome. You knew this love was going to be terrible for your mental health, but you would only truly realize how bad it was when you removed yourself from the situation.

In 2009 I made one of the worst purchases of my life, I bought a Washington Redskins jersey. As most of you know, my team used to go this name. It is a racist name. It makes any of their jerseys that I owned pretty terrible today. You don’t want to walk around with a racial slur strapped to your clothes, especially a jersey. So the real question is, which is the worst of the worst? There is only one name that comes to mind: Albert Haynesworth.

Haynesworth is arguably the worst free-agent signing in NFL history. In 2009 we signed this rotund parasite to a seven year, $100 million dollar contract. $32 million was guaranteed, and it was the main reason that money-grubbing succubus signed. In the summer of 2009, I bought his jersey for $70. The season that would follow was a terrible 4-12 record. I did remain optimistic given how he played that season. What happened in 2010 was a dumpster fire of epic proportions.

The guaranteed $32 million was paid out in the first 13 months. To say that Albert Haynesworth checks out after he cashed out would be a massive understatement. That’s when he actively tried to get released from the team. That peanut-headed dingus only came to Washington to get a large signing bonus, with absolutely no intentions of fulfilling the back end of that contract. Albert wanted to get paid for what he did in the past, all while doing as little as possible for the present. That round buttmunch essentially stole millions from my team that we could have used. The frustration with him all culminated in week 10 of the 2010 season. It was a game against our rival, the Philadelphia Eagles. I watched Micheal Vick put together the most legendary offensive display I’ve ever seen. Six motherfucking touchdowns! Our only highlight was watching our milk dud multimillionaire fall to the ground. Albert just stayed there for what felt like an eternity. That’s when a random Eagles fan drunkenly asked, “Is he doing the fuckin’ worm?!” 

I began to laugh and cry. Later that night I grabbed a trash can, matches, lighter fluid, and that stupid jersey. I burned it in a 7-Eleven parking lot near my parents’ house. When the cops showed up to see me committing minor arson, one said, “You saw the game too?” We hugged and cried together. JK, that didn’t happen, I’m still a black man in America. I got a $40 ticket for criminal mischief, later dismissed by a judge and fellow football fan (The judge said something like, “As an Eagles fan I can understand your frustration. You’ve gone through enough,” laughed and threw out the charge.).

That image of Haynesworth falling to the ground and flopping around will always make me laugh, all while shedding a single thug tear to this day.

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