NFL Fandom Guide
Happy middle of the NFL season! It’s a long slog for a league that only plays 17 games per team, but it’s never too late to get into it. Maybe you’re tired of your friends always having fun play-arounds on Sundays while you hang out at stinky old church. Or maybe you’re already a fan of a team but have to bail because they’re the Colts (bad, stupid), Packers (bad, Aaron Rodgers) or Browns (fine, but DeShaun Watson).
Well, I’m here for you, and I’m going to rank the teams from worst to best to root for. Choose wisely.
32. Cleveland Browns
Your management paid a record breaking guaranteed contract to a serial sex criminal who didn’t touch a ball last season and is suspended for over half of this one, in favor of your first QB to take you to the playoffs since “Lose Yourself” was the #1 song. Way to go, Cleveland. I understand if you’re stuck with them, but if you’re picking the Browns in 2022, you are a sex offender.
31. Washington Commanders
I don’t really follow the specifics of why the owner Dan Snyder is being forced to sell his team but I think it’s just because no one likes him. Dan Snyder is basically the Ted Cruz of the NFL. The new name sucks, the logo sucks, the team sucks. You don’t need to do this to yourself.
30. Indianapolis Colts
This team should be right in the who-cares middle of the pack with the Texans but just this week they fired their coach (fine, whatever) and hired a TV analyst and former player with zero college or pro coaching experience. We could be in store for a shitshow/player mutiny and maybe even a reevaluation of the leagues rules about hiring minority coaches. Plus the team color is white.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Most people just don’t like Tom Brady and this is where he plays. If you missed the boat on rooting for him this long, you can skip this team because there’s nothing else going on here.
28. Green Bay Packers
Two years ago the Green Bay Packers would be a top 5 team to root for primarily because of Aaron Rodgers. Multi-time MVP, Super Bowl champ, he was charming on Jeopardy. In what might be the biggest heel turn in NFL history, he got annoying about being anti vax, signed a contract so large the Packers can’t sign receivers, and then he started blaming his teammates for losses in press conferences and now everyone hates him and the team sucks. He is the Bitcoin of NFL quarterbacks. Is that what you want to root for?
27. New England Patriots
They had a 20 year run of dominance and were terrible about it (boring wins, cheating, uncharismatic coach and QB). Now they’re just boring and medium good plus everyone hates them. You’re too late to like this team, wait til Bill Belichick retires and then maybe give them a shot.
26. Los Angeles Rams
You missed the boat on these guys too. They won the Super Bowl last year and basically mortgaged their future to do it. Their biggest stars are old, they only have one good receiver. They’ll be kinda bad for the next few years. The one bonus is you can probably see famous people at their games if that’s what you’re into.
25. Denver Broncos
This team is in full on bummer mode. They traded players and overpaid for Russell Wilson, a quarterback that is so disliked for being a nerd, his former teammates have no problem openly clowning him on social media and on TV. Russell is basically what would happen if Rod Flanders had a baby with Todd Flanders. Plus their coach is terrible, and they’re owned by the Wal-Mart family. I know no NFL owners are good, but they don’t need to be obviously bad.
24. Los Angeles Chargers
You wanna root for a cursed loser franchise be my guest. This team basically has no fans. The team should be good but they aren’t really and probably will never win a Super Bowl. Logo is cool though.
23. Carolina Panthers
An absolute turd of a team but they play Tom Brady twice a year so that’s a fun reason to root for them 11% of the season.
22. New York Jets
Over performing underdogs this year with a good coach plus their QB allegedly had sex with his mom’s best friend like the world’s laziest Brazzers video. If this is your kinda thing have fun with the Jets.
21. Houston Texans
This is just a nothing team. I guess they rank higher than the Jets because of Lovie Smith.
20. Arizona Cardinals
Pretty good team with a fun QB! The huge problem is they are in Arizona. I’ve been to their games before and it’s the most “no one wants to work any more” fanbase I’ve ever seen. Everyone looks like they worked for George W. Bush.
19. Philadelphia Eagles
They’re good and likable this year. Exciting QB/WR connection with Jalen Hurts and AJ Brown. The only downside to rooting for these guys is other Eagles fans, which is a MASSIVE downside.
18. Las Vegas Raiders
This team is such a mess, and their owner looks like an adult that would run over a child with his car for a Willy Wonka ticket. They have cool black and silver gear so I can’t put them below 20th for fashion reasons.
17. Detroit Lions
The Lions used to be my favorite underdog. They’re scrappy, their coach is like a buff Chris Farley character, but I’ll be honest the act is growing stale. If you choose the Lions, you are signing up for heartbreak. You may be into this team as a fun underdog at first too but you have to be in it for the long haul. Look deep inside. Do you have that kind of resolve?
16. Atlanta Falcons
Watch the Dorktown series about them. Yep all 7 hours of it. You can’t get into this team unless you do that first, then you’re free to make up your own mind.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars
Trevor Lawrence is a good young QB and I’m not the first to say this but he looks like Carmella Soprano and Furio had a baby. For some reason they play in London every year so I guess if you live in London this is your team. Have fun, they’re kinda bad.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
These guys should be easy to root for this year because they finally retired their creep quarterback, but it turns out they just kinda suck. They’ll be good eventually though, so if you want to jump onboard now when they’re bad to earn points and say you were there, this is the perfect team to do that with. Give it a couple years.
13. New Orleans Saints
The team is not much to speak of, but it’s New Orleans which is America’s only cool city.
12. New York Giants
I totally forgot to include this team way earlier. Sorry. Don’t bother with the Giants, they don’t have much to offer you. I guess you could get a Saquon Barkley jersey, he’s cool.
11. Minnesota Vikings
Their QB is a big ass nerd, but at least not as corny as Russell Wilson. They’re good but they’re basically the NFC Chargers. Kinda cursed, but always hang in there. If you look good in purple it is OK to become a Vikings fan. You’ll have a lot of upper medium Sundays, plus they blow a big horn at the games.
10. Tennessee Titans
The only reason this team is so high is because of Derrick Henry. Watch his highlights and make your choice based on that.
9. Miami Dolphins
Best wide receiver duo in the league so that’s fun to watch. But also their QB has taken so many hits to the head that earlier in the year he basically had a medical emergency on the field so that’s not fun to watch. Ultimately this is a good team to get into if you’re into weird little guys because their coach is a weird little guy.
8. Dallas Cowboys
Dallas is “America’s Team.” The football Yankees. Their owner is a weird old turd but they have a lot of likable guys on the roster and they’re good. It hurts me to put them so high, and I don’t actually think you should become a Cowboys fan, but I must present to you the pros.
7. San Francisco 49ers
It’s just fun as hell watching Deebo Samuel and Christian McCaffrey. Also, if you want a team with a hot quarterback who maybe doesn’t even like football, this is your team.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
It’s just hard not to like Joe Burrow. This is most of it, but also Ja’Marr Chase is so good that you’re usually due for a couple incredible plays a game too. I also like underdog cities and Cincy is the epitome of NFL underdog cities. You should absolutely enjoy Skyline Chili if you root for this team though, so make sure you know that about yourself first.
5. Baltimore Ravens
The Baltimore Lamar Jacksons. He’s probably the dude in the NFL that does the most for his team and he’s likable too. The other day I saw a Ravens fan wearing a T-shirt for their kicker, so they go hard too. You’re in good company with Ravens fans.
4. Kansas City Chiefs
Look, this is my team. I understand my biases and I’m trying to avoid them because lord knows I’d put them #1 in my heart. It’s just… gonna be a little difficult for some to get past the tomahawk chopping fans. But if you want to watch exciting football, this is as good as it gets. Patrick Mahomes is the Michael Jordan of the NFL and the team is designed around letting him show off. Since 2018 he’s played in basically three uninteresting games. Also Andy Reid is a good commercial actor.
3. Seattle Seahawks
2022’s underdog team, and who doesn’t love the underdog. They traded away their church camp quarterback Russell Wilson, and they made no move to replace him. Instead they just moved up journeyman vet Geno Smith and he’s been killing it and is a dark horse MVP candidate. On top of that they have a great rookie running back Kenneth Walker, sometimes they wear full neon green pants and jerseys, and the coach might be a 9/11 truther. There’s a lot to work with here, as a fan.
2. Buffalo Bills
If it weren’t for the Chiefs, the Bills would be the most exciting team in football. Their fanbase, Bills Mafia, is also getting a lot of airtime these days because they jump through folding tables at tailgate parties. To be honest though, you’re too late. They’re already the hip fanbase and you should be ahead of the curve.
1. Chicago Bears
This is more of a completely speculative pick, but I think speculation is key to football fandom. If you asked me this question three weeks ago this team would be somewhere in the middle, but the team made a couple trades, changed up the playbook and last week Justin Fields rushed for 178 yards and blew everyone’s minds. Too excited due to one game? Yes absolutely. That’s the essence of football. The Bears might suck next year, but I doubt it. Which leaves plenty of room for disappointment, another key element to rooting for a football team.
The Bears give you everything:
They’re bad now so you can say you were there when they sucked.
They’re building the team around a young QB so you get hopeful offseasons.
They haven’t won a Super Bowl since the 80s so no one hates them.
You get snow games.
Chicago is a top tier fat guy food city.
Good gear for Fall colors.
What more do you want? Bear Down!
Recommend If You Like is not owned or funded by a billionaire or even a millionaire. We do have a Patreon. If you can’t afford to become a patron, please sign up to our mailing list. It’s free and we’re asking here instead of a pop-up. Pop-ups are annoying.