I’m a sucker for targeted marketing. Algorithms fascinate me. I love to see what social media believes I’ll be interested in; t-shirts that say “Don’t Mess With A Maryland Girl,” giant zip-up sauna chambers where your head sticks out like a turtle from its shell, pizza shaped like the Batman symbol. While scrolling Instagram, Little Caeser’s gave me a promoted post featuring their Batman Pizza Calzony. Why “Calzony” instead of “Calzone”… trademark? A way to make it cute and less… threatening? Their way of saying it’s kind of a pizza/kind of a calzone? Calzone-ish. Calzony. I needed this pizza about as much as I need to see young Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered in an alley. But, did I want this pizza? I always want pizza. 

I’ve never ordered from Little Caesar’s before. In terms of cheap pizza my household tends to go Domino’s. In my youth, we alternated between Pizza Hut (because as a book nerd I’d score free personal pan pizzas) and Jerry’s (ooo ooo Jerry’s does not stand the test of time by the way. Leave that in my childhood memories with birch beer). I knew the cute Little Caesar’s cartoon and I can hear the exact tone of the “pizza pizza” chant in my head but this would be my first time eating the product. For a little less than 9 dollars I was promised a large Batman Pizza Calzony with something called “crazy sauce” on the side. The ad also promised a Batman mini-poster but they were out when I got to the store. I haven’t hung a poster since my college dorm days so I wasn’t let down. 

I took my seven-year-old with me to pick it up in a strip mall next to a Chuck-E-Cheese. We killed the 15 minute pizza wait time by playing skeeball and spending $17 to get enough tickets (which aren’t even satisfying paper tickets that spool out but an automated amount that goes on a credit-like card that you swipe to play each game) to win my kid a plastic slinky that immediately got tangled and broke. I was both feeling my age and rolling deep in nostalgia so it was time to get my hot and ready Bat-za on. 

Basically it’s a large pepperoni pizza with sections of the circle curled in to create calzone-like pockets. It’s not a calzone; it’s more like cheesy garlic bread but that’s absolutely fine. I guess it really is calzony.

The taste was, to my complete surprise, delicious. More doughy than some like but the dough was salty and garlicky and zesty with Italian seasoning so I was for it. The pepperoni was thin and crispy which was ok because it was such a thick cheese and crust situation. The taste even held up to next-day leftover re-heat. The only let down is that was the “crazy sauce” was about as crazy as the fact that this new Batman is directed by a white dude. It was a half pint container of middling, bland marinara sauce. You can’t win em all.  But for $9 my family got a pretty tasty meal and I pretended I didn’t look at the calorie count they insisted on listing on my receipt. Holy rude information, Batman! Let me eat my pizza and watch Paul Dano riddle me this in peace. 

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