“A funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven’t done.”

These are the opening words of the Butthole Surfers’ song “Sweat Loaf,” a song I heard for the first time at the perfect age, which also happens to be the worst age to hear it: 15. Lord only knows the effects that had on my taste in music let alone my brain. Had I heard it any earlier I’d have been scared, any later and it may have embarrassed me. But I heard it when I did and it left a mark. No regrets.

The phrase, while not original, has always stuck with me. It’s not like the stakes are especially high in my life for the concept of regret. It’s mostly about making sure I go out to see friends when I don’t feel like it, or trying something on a menu that’s $2 more than what I’d normally get. Yeah, I’m a fuckin’ wild man (sorry for swearing). 

I’m not only a f*ckin’ wild man, I’m a “concert guy.” This has always butted heads with the fact I’m not a T-shirt guy. I’m a mystery wrapped in a western style pearl snap shirt. But as I age, I care less and less about any perception of my clothes. So, bring on the parking lot bootleg t-shirts.

I can probably count my parking lot shirts on one hand. As a kid I bought an unlicensed, off-color nWo t-shirt outside of a WWF event. I bought a bootleg Phish t-shirt because it came with a “heady burrito” in upstate New York. More recently, I bought a shirt for Chic (the shirt labeled them The Chic, an apparent audible by the bootlegger), and another from the Juggalo March on Washington of 2017.

But now I’m going to be a full on parking lot bootleg t-shirt guy because of the sting of regret I feel, knowing I missed out on a piece of history. “The Greatest Regular Season Game in History,” I’ve seen it called. My Kansas City Chiefs vs. The Los Angeles Rams on Monday Night Football November 11, 2018 at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. The game ended 54 to 51 in favor of the Rams in the 3rd highest scoring game in NFL history. 

If you are not a football person 54-51 is a score that you might see in the Arena League, although if you’re not a football person that comparison doesn’t really register. So imagine two big numbers I guess. Yeah, that’s it. Big, right? The gist of a score like that is that basically every drive, you will be seeing something exciting. For most of football’s history, it’s been a slow, defensive game. That same season the Super Bowl was settled by a score of 13-3 in an utter dogshit unwatchable showcase. But this was a game. Not only was it exciting, it felt like it was ushering in a new era of football, and a new star in Patrick Mahomes. It’s maybe the only time I’ve felt like I was witnessing sports history.

Who knows what was going through my head that night. I was high on screaming like a Midwestern redneck, alternately receiving and giving the finger to fans sitting right next to me. It was a wild ride. The absolute last thing I remember is that there were bootleg t-shirts for sale to commemorate the night. I’d never seen it at a football game before! The foresight of this shirt merchant to know this was a game worth screen printing. 

A picture of the shirt modeled by my friend CJ Toledano who is smarter than me.

I could have gotten one for $10, $5 if I was feeling confident, but I was broke after spending around a hundred dollars for a ticket, a steal in retrospect. What would it have cost me in the long run to lose $5? Probably my next meal, I guess. Absolutely worth it, as I think I ate Jack in the Box tacos so I wouldn’t feel bad about using their toilet on the walk home. The Butthole Surfers would be spinning in their Butthole graves.

So after that night I’ve vowed to never again be caught holding the regret bag. At least as far as $5 t-shirts go. Just today I spent $42 (that I don’t need to be spending) on a signed VHS copy of Coven, the film by Mark Borchardt. I don’t own a working VCR.

Maybe it’s stupid to have a small apartment full of functionless tchotchke. Maybe this is my version of those 70s ceramic figurines of a lumpy person that says something like “to hell with housework.” Maybe it is, and maybe I have a brain problem, but I’m not going to pass up a cheap t-shirt from here on out because someday down the line, maybe I’ll want to look at it for 3 seconds and go, “That was a good day.”

Recommend If You Like is not owned or funded by a billionaire or even a millionaire. We do have a Patreon. Even sites owned by billionaires and millionaires have Patreons so please don’t hold that against us. And we’re paying all of our writers, photographers and graphic designers. So please consider our Patreon. If you can't afford to become a patron, please sign up to our mailing list. It's free and we're asking here instead of a pop-up. Pop-ups are annoying.