At some point, everyone’s sex life could use a kick in the pants, or maybe an unexplained vaginal hole in the belly that plays VHS cassette tapes and manufactures guns and hand grenades.

Reviving a dead bedroom takes guts. But even if you’re not a creative genius, brilliant ideas are all around you for the taking. For instance, you can draw inspiration from the work of David Cronenberg, the Canadian horror filmmaker behind such cult classics as Dead Ringers, Scanners, and eXistenZ.

When even the most gonzo porn feels too pedestrian, follow the lead of these lusty women. Mix a dash of psychology and media theory with your gore, and spice up your sex life with ideas from Cronenberg’s stomach-churning cinematic oeuvre.

“For years, my husband and I struggled to get pregnant, to no avail. After falling into a deep depression, I discovered The Brood, the 1979 film from body-horror maestro David Cronenberg, and had a sexual awakening. The next day, we went online and ordered a customized monster womb that spits out dark legions of demon children — not cheap, but worth it! At this point, I wouldn’t want human kids, as it would be a distraction from Cronenberg roleplay.”

— Maria, 36

“I’m an ambitious corporate hustler in my public life, which of course means that, on the sly, I’m a bootlicking masochist. But not always. I only indulge that side of myself in a particular context: watching forbidden snuff films with my hubby, burning myself with cigarettes (I don’t smoke), and discussing heavy ideas about the decline of civil society as reflected in the exploitative nature of our entertainment. Thanks to Cronenberg roleplay, I’m able to experience in a safe, horrific fantasy container what I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy in real life. I’m just glad the real world is nothing like Videodrome.”

— Mitzi, 29

“When my wealthy husband, Mickey, hit his midlife crisis, he couldn’t get it up and had no will to live, but he did have an extensive car collection. We’d tried everything, so we figured, ‘Why not Cronenberg roleplay?’ We took turns driving Beamers and vintage VW bugs off

Mulholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills, at which point the other would show up, wait for the driver to ‘die,’ and then desecrate the ‘corpse’ nine ways to Sunday. Did you know the smell of gasoline is a natural aphrodisiac? I had no idea, either! Fortunately, the dimwit insurance company paid for it all. We even hired a limo driver to take us out for Mickey’s Friday night prostate exams, always a weekly highlight. Like a good sex Samaritan, Cronenberg roleplay saved us from certain doom.”

— Charley, 44

“My boyfriend and I were always big fans of Kafka, but after a while, there are only so many kicks you can get out of Metamorphosis roleplay, no matter how gross it gets. As committed book nerds, we were never all that into movies, at least not until we discovered the ’80s work of David Cronenberg. Now, every night, my husband changes into a bug-type creature that gets progressively more disgusting and full of hubris. He’s even talking about becoming a politician in the insect world. How sick is that? And cerebral, too! And it’s all thanks to the life-changing magic of Cronenberg roleplay.”

— Paula, 33

“I’m a full-blown narcissist, which means this is the best time in history for me to shine. Even so, it’s hard to fully enjoy it when I’m expected to have sex with people other than me, all of whom are less hot than I am. Fortunately, thanks to Cronenberg roleplay, I can meet my own hot alter-egos and doppelgangers whenever I want, and fuck them, hard. Cronenberg roleplay hasn’t just changed my sex life. It’s changed my sex lives, plural. Thank you! No, wait — thank me.”

— Anne, 38

“The one thing I always wanted was an orgasm that would make my head explode…”

— Bonnie, 69

Recommend If You Like is not owned or funded by a billionaire or even a millionaire. We do have a Patreon. If you can’t afford to become a patron, please sign up to our mailing list. It’s free and we’re asking here instead of a pop-up. Pop-ups are annoying.