In 2006, Type O Negative released Symphony for the Devil, a live concert film that highlighted footage from their 1999 Bizarre Festival performance complete with backstage antics. A scene that remains etched in my mind begins at approximately 11 minutes and 23 seconds. The camera travels through a dimly lit corridor and down a flight of stairs into what appears to be the graffitied bathroom of CBGB’s. There we find the 6’8” Peter Steele, sitting on the unobscured and locally positioned toilet. He looks at the camera and says, “I’m on my throne man. The great thing about touring is I’ve learned to shit everywhere. Shit on a dime.”  

There are multiple factors an artist will consider while mentally preparing for a tour. The focus I’ll be discussing today is the conversation of pooping. This might seem like a minor element but I assure you it is not. To avoid unnecessarily uncomfortable situations, have some honest conversations with yourself about your gastric preparedness and regulatory needs.

I’ll begin by sharing a cautionary anecdote from Teen Mortgage’s first tour. Before a Nashville gig, Brian Walsh, our friend and de facto tour manager, scouted a local hot chicken spot for lunch. As an appreciator of spice, I wanted the real deal and ordered one of the hottest chicken options. At the venue that evening I began to sense signals of an impending code brown, bubble guts followed by pressure and cramping. I made my way promptly to the restroom, where I found a toilet already in a state of defilement. Sitting was not an option. Also, the bathroom was so small that I couldn’t position my butt cheeks directly over the bowl. Instead I grabbed onto the sink in a precarious half-squat and ejected molten hot excreta from my anus with such force that about 10% made the toilet and the rest splattered on the wall behind. I cleaned the crime scene the best I could with a copious amount of toilet paper before exiting the bathroom. Unfortunately, I knew it wasn’t over. I told my band member and Brian how badly things went and that I might have to drive back to the hotel. I obliged their request to not decimate our sleeping arrangements and instead try the McDonalds across the street. Round 2 was equally traumatizing. The stall had adequate room but was similarly disgusting. I successfully deposited my waste in the correct receptacle but with great discomfort. Upon standing I noticed I unexplicably urinated onto the floor. With a defeated sigh, I stood pants down, asshole burning, staring at the puddle before me, wondering WTF just happened. I again covered my trail, packed up my wounded dignity and made my way back to the bar. I was informed that a bartender had been furious wrestling a shit clogged toilet in my absence. It appears I had unintentionally booby trapped the drain with all the tissue causing the next person in line to upper deck an already chaotic situation.    

Clearly my most egregious error was dietary choice. On the road, I tend to walk a thin line between adventurous eating and food safety. As a medical professional, I’m well aware of the CDC’s Travelers’ Health guidelines. However, it should be known that diarrhea can develop independent of consuming contaminated food or beverage. Stress or change in diet alone can activate rapid bowel evacuation by your immune system. It’s generally a good idea to have some antidiarrheals and electrolytes on hand just in case. 

When it comes to spicy food, no over-the-counter pharmacological intervention in my experience has proven to adequately address capsaicin induced GI distress. At home, I already treat my fiery food intact like my alcohol consumption; I know there will be repercussions the next day and it’s best to plan accordingly. It’s common sense getting black-out wasted the night before an important task is unwise. You might be able to handle a couple adult beverages without incident just like you might be able to down a dozen hot wings. If there’s nothing to do the next day you might have a few more drinks or up the Scovilles knowing you’re free of obligation and a comfortable lavatory is near. However, tour days are packed full of mental and physical responsibilities. As far as bathrooms are concerned, you might as well assume the worst accommodations. I hypothesize some venues discourage pooping by deliberately keeping their facilities as unpleasant as possible. It’s pretty standard to find soiled seats, empty toilet paper rolls and little or no privacy. Stall doors are often broken if not missing entirely. So unless you’re comfortable shitting with an audience and wiping with a show poster, I recommend dialing those spice levels back. 

If at all possible, aim to handle your business anywhere but the venue. Hands down the best option will usually be your hotel. However, there’s etiquette to keep in mind since you’re probably going to be sharing your bathroom with your entire band and crew. It’s discourteous to hog the commode with slow poos or assault their olfactory senses with heinous bowel fumes. For these reasons amongst others, you may option to use the lobby bathrooms. We’ve discovered a pro-tip to use the pool bathroom. In the morning while people are downstairs enjoying the continental breakfast, they’re also running a train on the lobby bathroom while the pool bathroom is often empty, quiet and untouched past the evening cleaning.  

Secondary options come on the road itself in the form of restaurants, gas stations, rest stops and retailers. All of the above are a mixed bag of quality but there are some tips to sus out suitable facilities.  Perhaps some obvious advice is the quality of goods and or services provided by an establishment often correlates the care provided to their bathrooms. Most establishments will not hassle you about using the bathroom as a non-paying customer. Just move with confidence, deliver the payload and make your exit.  Channel your inner action star walking away from explosion energy. You might catch a dirty look but I’ve honestly never looked back to see if I was given one. A tool I’ve yet to use but I might be incorporating into future tours are toilet locator apps like FLUSH. These apps are designed to alleviate stress for people with bowel issues like Chrohns or IBS by helping them locate public restrooms.

Gas station bathrooms are always fighting an uphill battle against the onslaught of weary travelers so they’re almost all unpredictable. Often named America’s best, the Texas based Buc-ee’s chain are the only guaranteed excellent bathrooms on the road. In every one you’ll find dozens of urinals and stalls with their own dedicated hand sanitizer station and at least one or more employees attending to upkeep.  One minor issue comes from the sheer enormity of the store. Be prepared to walk with what will feel like several city blocks before reaching the restrooms, made all the more difficult with clenched cheeks. 

Despite these proactive measures, you will likely still have to use one of the worst toilets imaginable. At the very least, it builds character and helps you appreciate the mundane luxuries at home.  At the end of a tour, I don’t know what I look forward to more, sleeping in my own bed or pooping in my own bathroom.  

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