Soda has been my longest standing vice and I really don’t feel encouraged to stop. I fortunately switched to sugarless beverages exclusively before my teens and aside from the excess caffeine, the predominant scientific research doesn’t support substantial negative health effects. Before we get too far readers might argue that sentiment, but I want to clarify this article is about mildly poisoning yourself with fun, artificially flavored alcoholic beverages.  

Mountain Dew Zero (MTN Dew Zero) in particular has gone from a favorite drink to a weird hobby in recent years. With their penchant for creating new, rare and chain exclusive flavors, I’ve found myself seeking them out like searching for Pokemon while on tour, where I’m in and out of multiple gas stations across the country every day.  If I find a Zero Dew flavor I haven’t tried, I’ll scoop some up for me and for the Dew Heads back home.  

You can imagine the excitement when Mountain Dew’s parent company Pepsi Co announced a collaboration with Boston Brewing Company to release an alcoholic Mountain Dew in four zero sugar flavors. At 5% ABV and 100 calories per 12 oz. can, you can crush them all night and wake up the next morning feeling like a piece of shit… but not a fat piece of shit. They’ve since expanded the lineup to one new and several limited edition flavors.  Distribution for Hard Mtn Dew has only reached 15 states so far and the odds are you’re not living in one. For those of you looking to gear your hands on some, I’m here to temper your expectations with my definitive reviews and rankings of all 8 released to date. 

8. Baja Blast Punch

My good friend Rich Jarin had the plug for Baja Blast Variety Pack the day it hit shelves for the limited summer release. He met a guy at the gym that gave him the lowdown on the drop. My boy came through like a legend and showed up the next morning before they even had a chance to stock it on the floor.  Thankfully, he had sampled them before we met up and I was warned the Baja Punch was not the best. I adjusted my enthusiasm and saved it for dead last. The flavor is vaguely reminiscent of diluted off brand Hawaiian Punch mixed with a hint of vodka. 

7. Watermelon

Watermelon is smooth and inoffensive but dull in flavor. I don’t understand why it’s been kept on the core lineup while other flavors are limited or being phased out. Adding some tequila and lime to the mix would be an improvement in taste but will catapult your intoxication into freshman year college levels. 

6. Baja Blast Mango

Despite mangos being a god tier fruit, mango ‘flavor’ in beverages is usually hit or miss. I was pleasantly surprised that this must try limited entry delivered in a big way. My only complaint is I kept reaching into the fridge to crack one open only to realize I had grabbed a fucking Baja Punch by mistake. Both can designs are similar orange themes and the contents are virtually indistinguishable when poured. When you’re Baja blasted, you’ll probably forget to actually read the label too.   

5. Black Cherry

Definitely the most soda-like Hard Dew, black cherry is a nice counterpart to the other citrusy flavors, though perhaps a hair too sweet. Drink just one a night just to switch things up. If black cherry is your jam, you better act fast to find a variety pack since it was announced for discontinuation and is already being phased out. Watermelon, it should have been you.   

4. Live Wire

Since the Hard Mtn Dew strategy is shifting towards capitalizing on brand familiarity even more, we’re seeing more variants of existing dew counterparts appear such as the orange flavored Live Wire. Somehow dew heads got an alcoholic malt beverage before getting zero sugar soda version. I snagged a couple of 24 oz cans at a Casey’s General Store somewhere in the midwest on the back end of our last tour.  Dew Boys back were pretty stoked on this acquisition. One person even named it the best variant so far. They’re in for some good news because Live Wire appears to have replaced black cherry in the core line-up. 

3. Baja Blast Pineapple

Perhaps a controversial choice for number 3, my opinion is pineapple slaps. They got the ratio of ‘natural’ and artificial fruit flavor dead on. The best part is the liquid is highlighter yellow just a reminder you’re drinking a beverage made in defiance of nature. It looks just like your urine after taking a multivitamin. 

2. Baja Blast

Conceived specifically for Taco Bell restaurants, Baja Blast is described as Mtn Dew with a tropical lime twist.  If you ask Rich, he’d tell you it was the GOAT hands down.  I’d love to see it assume it’s rightful place in the main lineup. However Mountain Dew will likely relegate Baja Blast to limited availability for marketing purposes analogous to the retail store availability of the soda counterpart.  

1. Original

I suspect the OG Mtn Dew claiming the number one spot should come as no surprise.  There’s a reason why the green ambiguously citrus flavored soda has risen to icon status and sustained itself for the better part of a century. It’s fitting the hard variant would follow suit. 

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