I got Covid last week. I’ll tell ya, the stories are true: it sucks. I am fully vaccinated, it was just one of those rare cases that slips through the gate. I debated even mentioning it because I really hate to give anti-vax people anything resembling a talking point, but here’s what happened: I went out to eat in a place that didn’t require proof of vaccinations. I went with three other people that are all vaccinated and I’m the only one that got sick. The next day before I was symptomatic I hung out with probably 10 people, all fully vaccinated, and no one else got sick. The day after that, I was as sick as I’ve been in years and it lasted for around three days. By the end of the third day I felt pretty much 80% and it’s been relatively smooth sailing ever since. So the point of this preamble is to say, I’m extremely thankful I was vaccinated, it would have been way worse otherwise, and the vaccine works really well based on my personal anecdotal evidence that no one else in my direct contact contracted it.

So with that out of the way, I have been quarantined for 10 days at this point, and I’m medically safe to get back out in the world, but for a week or so I was couch-ridden and stuck looking at our shitty, shitty internet.

I know we’ve all spent the last 16 or so months mostly indoors, but man we really had a moment where we could do stuff! I went to a Dodger game, I visited my family, I paid $25 for a ticket to see Old in some kind of special Dolby theater. I was living. Then here I am stuck looking at the shitty internet again.

The problem is that the internet doesn’t have to be shitty. I’m not trying to look at the past with rose tinted glasses, but some stuff absolutely was better. First of all Twitter, where I spend the bulk of my internet time, is a mess. I kind of have to use it for work (I [sigh] …work as a comedian), but if I didn’t I’d bail so fast. And as a comedian I can’t help but look at Twitter as the world’s worst open mic level roast/focus group. Just absolute hell from a comedy perspective. Luckily I know tons of funny people, I follow them, and it keeps me happy enough. But at this point, well over a decade into Twitter’s lifespan, it has nearly successfully killed The Joke. Jokes are a currency in a defunct failed state now. Everyone learned “the math” of jokes and now just keeps pushing them out ad nauseam without any kind of reward aside from likes, maybe a couple new follows and the rarest of them all: actual work. Really, Twitter should pay anyone that provides it value, but that’s a different piece entirely. 

Today for example, you’re going to look at Twitter and see people using the formula “My Fall Plans” vs “Delta Variant.” And if you’re reading this more than a month in the future, you probably won’t remember what this means. The joke itself is fine, and some are funny, it’s the exhausting repetition that gets me down, man. Not everyone is funny, and comedian is the one job everyone thinks they’re good at.

OK, so the joke quality has suffered. “Big fucking deal,” people are saying to this bitter old loser through their computers. “Let people enjoy things!” OK fine, even though I completely disagree with that sentiment, let’s just go with it. Let people enjoy these very tired jokes. Can we at least agree it’s not the best place to look at jokes? Even if you are opening Twitter up for the memes, do you want to see that and a video of a police officer murdering someone in the same place? There’s a reason they don’t show clips of murder in the pre-show when you go to a comedy club. I’m sure someday soon we’ll all read about the massive brain damage we received from the whiplash of watching a front facing sketch comedy video immediately followed by a Nazi rally outside the Wendy’s you grew up near.

So I’ve just been going insane, stuck in bed like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, only I don’t have a rear window, I have a laptop, and I’m not really paranoid, I’m more just annoyed. So instead of making this a solutionless gripe piece, I’ll at least offer a bright side. 

The internet used to be message boards. Really specific ones too. As a high schooler, I spent every spare minute of my AOL trial discs on the Weezer message board waiting for new demos to drop. Boards like that would have categories. Here’s where you talk about music, here’s where you talk about shows, and here’s where you talk about everything else. It worked too! Mods existed and made people stay on track. Most people didn’t even talk, they just read stuff, that was me! It was embarrassing to talk on the internet for a long time. I’m still not comfortable with it. I don’t know why I’m even writing this, for it is certainly going straight to the internet. Our current internet is too big for all that stuff. No more mods, no more hyper-narrow lanes of discussion, there’s really not even much lurking any more. 

That’s why when I need a break, I go to a message board for men with long hair. This message board is 100% devoted to men that have, used to have, or are considering having long hair. The site looks old, it has threaded posts where you have to click each individual link to see the next comment. It’s a pain in the ass to navigate. But the bounty you will receive is beyond anything you’ll find on Twitter. 

I’m not even going to mention the board’s name or link it here. That would be like advertising the location of a sacred site hidden in a jungle. The foot traffic alone would pose too much of a risk, let alone the prospect of vandalism. No, I can’t tell you where this magic site is where you can see pictures of men with shimmering hair down to their mid-back, where they discuss what conditioners they use or what issues they’ve had rebelling against their conservative fathers. If you want to find it on your own, that’s your prerogative. If this sounds insane to you, fair. But maybe you want your own little internet corner where you can unplug and lurk, or hell maybe even post, and I suggest you search for it. I will give you a free one my wife sent me: Matlock’s Courthouse Bulletin Board, but please temper your expectations, it hasn’t been updated in a while.

If anything, I want people to be rewarded for their curiosity on the internet. Sites like Twitter, for all the good they’ve provided, have in many ways dulled our curiosity. Why look around when you can find everything in the same place? I’ll tell you why. To feel alive. To see what’s out there beyond our little internet zoo we’re stuck in. Break the gate, friend. Find your men with long hair. Or go see Old, it’s pretty fun.

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