As someone that lives in Hollywood, naturally I have been on TV and in movies. I don’t go out of my way to, but sometimes it just happens. The best part about acting for me, an untrained idiot, is chatting with people you work with, the Real Actors.

One time a Real Actor told me he almost got the job as the voice that says “pizza pizza” in the Little Ceasar’s commercials, and the guy that got the gig was paid millions. Of dollars. I believed him too, because he was a good actor.

That means some dude woke up, drove to a studio, parked his car, said “pizza pizza” into a microphone and never had to work again for the rest of his life. I think about this constantly and how it’s not possible any more. A beautiful union-won safeguard from a bygone age. Now Progressive Flo has to hustle for 15 years for a similar payday.

The old timers didn’t need to grind if they got that one big hit. If you lucked out and made a killing before the streaming era in any facet of entertainment, you could comfortably own a home and just chill out until you die.

Then there’s Bobby “Boris” Pickett, an artist that had more than a little carny work ethic in him. I struggle to categorize him as there’s no one like him. Not quite a no name novelty act, and not quite the ubiquitous and beloved cultural presence of Weird Al, he’s somewhere in the middle. Not really good enough to be a household name, and too relentlessly annoying to be forgotten.

You of course know him from the 1962 hit “The Monster Mash” but what many don’t know is that he just wouldn’t stop writing and recording songs about monsters. It was a borderline compulsion. I’m assuming he could have coasted off of the “Monster Mash” royalties and lived comfortably for the rest of his days, but he didn’t. He actually kept producing monster songs up until his death in 2007.

Curious about this oddball, I consulted my friend, writer, and Bobby “Boris” Pickett expert Conor Sullivan. Conor isn’t just an obsessive weirdo, he actually wrote a script for a Bobby Pickett biopic called He Did The Mash. It’s fascinating and funny and if someone doesn’t produce this movie, we’re all missing out. 

Conor provided me with a playlist of his lesser songs. I had a hard time getting through them, but it’s important to note that even though I think his music is lazy and difficult to listen to, it’s hard to write (or read) 112 pages about someone’s life if you hate them. So with respect to Mr. Pickett, here’s his non-Monster Mash songs and my first-take reaction to them.

“Monster Swim“

I’ve known about this song for years, so I’m not in this very moment stunned at how dumb this is, but it’s still pretty dumb. This song wonders what if instead of mashing, the monsters swam. Is “the swim” a 60s dance? Maybe? But this song seems to be about literally swimming.

“Me and My Mummy“

This is a 60s doowop love song about being in love with a mummy, which if you are from the UK sounds like Bobby wants to have sex with his mom. This song is bad too. Hard to describe his music other than the worst version of every genre he’s playing and then also about monsters.

“Gotta Leave This Town“

Not sure what this is. I think it’s a song told from the POV of a vampire? Or a wolfman? It’s never stated, but he has to “leave this town before the sun goes down” or they’ll “put him in the ground” Feels like it could be either, but who knows. I guess there’s an attempt at growth here. Kudos, Bob.

“Godfather’s Respecti“

This is a parody of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” about The Godfather sung in a Brando voice. This sucks so much and I had to turn it off before I started to remember any of it because I don’t want to think about this when I hear Aretha Franklin’s song. I can’t confirm, but I don’t think there’s anything about monsters in here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhvhFbwCN58

“Monster Rap“

In the tradition of The Rappin’ Duke, Bobby wonders, “what if we took a topic you’d not normally rap about and rap about it?” This shitty novelty genre somehow still persists and while I can’t place the blame fully on Bobby, I’ll place some. I don’t like this one bit. Also Bobby’s reliance on background singers is becoming a problem at this point. It’s got to stop.

“The Climate Mash“

A George W. Bush era political song about global climate collapse told through the metaphor of monsters using the exact same music as “The Monster Mash”? Sign my ass up. You’re back on top, Bobby!

“Monster Concert“

So imagine a monster mash (a normal, commonplace term). It’s great, we love a mash, but what if instead of a mash it was a Woodstock-style music festival? You’ve now just imagined the Monster Concert, a song where Bobby curates a gathering for all the spookiest bands to play. 

Lyrically this is one of the lazier efforts. Real first draft energy all around. First of all Bobby tells us this would take place on The Feast of St. George. I was not familiar with that, but figured it was a scary holiday. It isn’t. It’s a Palestinian holiday who’s origin kind of sounds like the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. It’s in May too, but later in the song the background singers say it’s Halloween. This is a mess.

Bobby then lists the bands that will be playing the Monster Concert:

The Jefferson Vampire (not a pun, a strange choice)

Crosby, Stills, & Janusz (does not sound like Nash, also doesn’t make sense because who is Janusz?)

Three Dog Wolf (does not make sense, and Three Wolf Night was right there)

Blood Threat & Tears (this is the first “good” one, but he still missed “fears.” The Cryptkeeper is rolling in his grave)

Igor Hendrix (terrible)

The Ungrateful Dead (best so far I guess, but Jerry and the boys lobbed him a real meatball with their name)

I guess the best I can say is the music is trying a little harder than just repeating the Monster Mash.

“Monster’s Holiday“

We’re back to the classic song, but now he’s talking about if monsters celebrated Christmas. I get it, you’ve gotta try and cash in. Janusz gets a shout out again. Is this a character I’m unaware of? I’m not the most schooled in classic horror, but I did IMDB Frankenstein, Dracula, The Invisible Man, The Wolfman, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, The Mummy and The Phantom of the Opera and there are no characters name Janusz in any of them.

Anyway this is another dud, but it makes the most sense to me. Everyone tries to cash in with a Christmas song and I won’t fault Bobby for taking a stab at it.

“It’s Alive“

Another official “Monster Mash” sequel that’s about the scientist from the original song’s son who now uses a computer instead of analog Frankensteining equipment. I begrudgingly don’t hate it. Musically it sounds like a song from an 80s screwball comedy, which is fine by me. It is, however, unforgivably over 4 minutes long.

“The Werewolf Watusi“

The Watusi must’ve been a big deal for people in the 60s. Sometimes you wonder why old people are so fucked up and then you realize all the entertainment they consumed was about cowboys or doing the watusi.

“The Monster Slash“

Another Bush era political song that is basically the exact same thing as “The Climate Mash.” Why do this? I guess if you’re going to write a lot of songs about monsters, why not write multiple about monsters and also deforestation at the same time. He’s lost all the good will of “The Climate Mash” by doing a retread here.

“King Kong“

Oh no, I like this? It’s not something I want to listen to often, or more than once, but it’s decently catchy and has a fun 70s lite-funk guitar tone. There’s some questionable “native chanting” but for 1976, I guess this is the best we can expect. Well, I at least tried to end on a positive note. Happy Halloween.