When I started subscribing to YouTube Premium (yes I have YTP kind of money — please don’t be jealous — it doesn’t look good on you his time of year!) I was just hoping to skip Tai Lopez commercials when I went down an 120 Minutes with Matt Pinfield wormhole. Turns out the best use for my ad-free account was sitting my toddler down in front of the TV without her having to see My Little Pony commercials. As one of the two people in the household who can handle the responsibilities involved in operating the Roku remote, I have watched a LOT of kid’s shows. Anyone who has toddlers knows that they like to watch the same thing over and over again so I’ve become quite the expert. Like anything else, I have very strong opinions about these shows.

Now I’ll share them with you, ordered from worst to best:

10. Bob The Train

The people who makes this are just sick. The premise of this is that there is an animated world that Bob the Train lives in and there is a voice over that says “BOB THE TRAIN!” constantly. We don’t know who the narrator is but he shouts over everything in a voice that is both super compressed and echo-y somehow. It has to be computer generated because the voice is also very monotone in a way no human could consistently keep up. The most terrible scene in this insane, slapped together series is when Bob the Train plays a DJ in a club full of animals. I hate it. This is also one of the many video series that uses the same children’s songs: “Old McDonald,” “Wheels on the Bus” and “Humpty Dumpty” are all over every children’s YouTube video. If “Old McDonald” had a good team behind him he’d be sending out DMCA takedowns for his likeness and theme song all the livelong day. 

I think I hate this series the most because my child was really into it during two months where I had my wisdom teeth taken out — it took me two month to recover, pain pills literally did not stop any pain — and the household got two different viruses everyone endured. My memories place me wallowing on the couch in pain while the guy fuckin’ screams “CAN YOU HEAR THE HEN GO CLUCK-CLUCK-CLUCK?”

9. Cocomelon 

Something about this animation really irks me. It’s both very real and very fake. Maybe that’s what animation is supposed to be? The extent of my animation knowledge is a Foghorn Leg-Horn impression, so maybe I’m stupid. Either way, my kid was into this at the same time as Bob the Train — Grandma turned her onto them and I will never forgive her for it. I think I’ve heard the Cocomelon version of “Wheels on the Bus” upwards of 2,000 times. I hate Cocomelon. Truly. 

8. Simple Songs 

I don’t know who or where this thing is made, but I do admire its DIY puppet aesthetic. The shows are as the title suggests  — simple songs about brushing your teeth or five little monkeys jumping on the bed. They’re often acted out with some pretty low-rent puppetry in some barely put together sets. The bubbles in the screenshot above are just bubble wrap. But when you’re audience is 3-year-olds, who gives a shit? Other episodes feature animations where everyone has giant grotesque heads, which I’m not opposed to. They steal a lot of Raffi songs, but I wonder if Raffi stole some of those songs too? Kid’s YouTube is the classic rock cover band at the dive bar for little ones. You know you’re going to get “Down by the Bay” and “Humpty-Dumpty,” the “Livin’ On A Prayer” and “I Can’t Drive 55” of this metaphor. Simple Songs is not nearly as bad as the previous two on the list but I’d rather never see or hear them again. 

7. Baby Shark

When you have kids, Baby Shark is fuckin’ everywhere. Some parents might be confused as to why it’s not lower on the list, as it is a known parasitic earworm in a parent’s brain. But somehow, through sheer exposure, I am immune to Baby Shark. You can say “Doo doo doo doot doo” and it won’t drive me crazy. One day, after hearing the fucking song for the thousandth time, I chose to make peace with this fucking song. I hear it and it washes over me like water. It drives my wife crazy though, and she isn’t wrong. 

One thing I do have to respect about the Pinkfong (I always wiki these shows to make sure they aren’t secretly giving my children murder messages) company is that they made an entire industry on one song. Song is a stretch, actually, it’s one line repeated ad nasuem. And look how many videos and views they have!!!  Pretty impressive. 

6. Ms. Rachel

Technically it’s called Songs for Littles but Ms. Rachel is the driving force here. I ain’t mad at Ms. Rachel. She does a good job of helping kids learn how to speak and use sign language. I think she’s some sort of certified child education person. My wife [borat voice] and I have def Google’d the cast. Rachel’s husband who voices the puppet works as a music director on Broadway and they employ other Broadway actors to dance and sing in a mix between Sesame Street and circle time at my child’s daycare. I have A LOT of opinions about many of the cast members but I don’t want to share them because some are mean and this is the internet and they can find this criticism pretty easily. So I will just say this — people who do stage acting, lets rein it in a lil’ bit, can we folks? The camera is 2 feet away, you don’t gotta’ play to the balcony on YouTube. 

5. Looney Tunes

I love Looney Tunes. My kids will hopefully love Looney Tunes. But about 3 cartoons in it struck me how much violence and guns there are in the shows and maybe a 2-year-old can wait to see that. 

4. Bluey

Bluey is a good show. It’s Australian so they talk funny. Also the story has a good lesson, the parents follow little kids flights of fancy which I recommend as a parent. If your kid thinks you’re a dinosaur at any given moment lean into being a fuckin’ dinosaur! It’s fun! The show also has genuine good convos between parent and kid. Heartwarming. But, maybe a little too complicated for my 2-year-old. Once she hits 4 this will be her sweet spot. 

3. Pingu

I fuckin’ love Pingu. I learned about this cartoon from my first girlfriend when I was 17. She was Canadian which meant her childhood TV was different, eh. Most of it sucked until she showed me a VHS of Pingu. These clay-mation penguins speak — what their Swedish creators call — Pingunese. It’s gibberish sqwauks that still let you know the vibe they’re giving off, just no intelligible words. They are always mad at each other and always ruining whatever activity another penguin is up to. They also do all sorts of fun splats and rolls and blams that characters can do if they are made of clay. It’s the same slapstick insanity as Looney Tunes but no guns and even more silly. 

Honestly parents, get stoned and watch Pingu. It’s fun. 

2. Peppa Pig

I am definitely an Anglophile. So the fact this is British scored points with me. But my daughter is OBSESSED with Peppa Pig. This show is the opposite of some of the things that she finds hard with Bluey. The story is very simple, Peppa, Brother George, Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are a family and they do activities. That’s it. The premises are so simple (Peppa needs to carve a pumpkin, Family goes to the mall, the Queen (Lizzie’s in a Box!) drives them around in a double decker bus) and they all talk so slow that my kid can grasp what they are saying. Also there are so many great gags like how Ms. Rabbit holds almost every peripheral job in the show — fire fighter, meditation teacher, grocery checkout clerk, helicopter rescue pilot — and is bad at them all but is completely unfazed by her skill level. #GirlBoss Also, there is the super hero Mr. Potato who is a potato. That’s it. Fun-fact: Peppa Pig got an episode banned in Australia because the characters treat Mr. Skinny Legs the spider with respect — in Australia they need to know Mr. Skinny Legs are DEADLY. 

Great show, very funny and now my kid says “ready, steady go!” instead of ready, set go. 

1. Sesame Street

If you haven’t seen Sesame Street since you were a kid — you gotta’ check it out now. It is really good. So much of the show is great, but I just want talk about one thing: Cookie Monster and Gonger’s food truck called Monster Foodies. Gonger is a newer character to Sesame Street, but he’s the perfect foil to Cookie Monster. Gonger is small, shrill and anxious while Cookie Monster is big, dumb and hungry. 

The Monster Foodies theme song tells you a lot about their work ethic: 

Do you like food? 

Me like food!

Place your order, if you lucky

We make food in our foodie truckey!

These guys are running a business so casually that they don’t even promise they will make food if your order it. You’ll get some IF YOU’RE LUCKY, PAL. Every segment has the same story — a kid orders food via video chat and Gonger and Cookie Monster are tasked with making it. Gonger will say “let’s take a look at da weeecipe.” Then the ingredients will pop up (Gonger says things fun like “straw-ba-berries” and “bloo-ba-berries”) to show kids what goes into the dish they are making. Inevitably Cookie Monster will have eaten all of one of the ingredients. Gonger is the first person in the Sesame Street universe to call Cookie Monster on his compulsive eating. 

“Cookie!!! Why you eat all da ba-na-na–na-na?! How we make da banana smoooovie?!” 

Cookie Monster is unfazed by Gonger’s frustration with him. He just says “oh no! How we make smoovie?” Every episode they will travel to where the missing food is grown or produced — cranberries from a bog, cinnamon from a tree and seaweed from a water farm. I had no clue where those ingredients came from, so we’re all learning here. Then they make the meal and proclaim “it’s WEAAAAAAADY!!!!!” They put the food into a delivery driver insulated bag and catapult it to wherever the kid is at. The segment always ends with Gonger revealing to Cookie Monster that he has made a small portion of the meal just for Cookie. Cookie graciously accepts it and then goes goblin mode. 

Last thing, a recent Sesame Street episode featured members of the community who are helpful and they didn’t mention cops once. They had fire fighters and post office workers and garbage men and other people who do a useful service. Sesame Street is ACAB. 

Honorable Mention (free-form):  

White noise Black screen, Work , Study, Relax (10h no ads)

When the kids sleep on the couch or anywhere there is a TV- this is the go to jam to make sure they don’t wake up when i make a tiny lil’ clang around the house. 

My biggest takeaway from watching this much kids YouTube is that every one of these video series has hundreds of millions of views. These people are printing money. If you’re looking for a side-hustle I suggest figuring out a computer program that automates stealing all these videos and uploading edits to YouTube. Unless you get in trouble, then it wasn’t my idea. 

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