I searched for a specific Ryne Sandberg big head t-shirt for nearly a decade. Every time I visited a thrift store in Chicago I scoured racks looking for a grey shirt with Ryno’s big head and his stats, from the Minors until 1990, underneath his tiny body. Once I moved out of state, I searched eBay. When it finally popped up at a reasonable price, I bought an adult sized version of what I wore as a seven-year-old.

Why? Why did I spend a few years in my 20s and more in my 30s trying to find a shirt I loved in the summer of 1990?

This is not the only piece of childhood clothing I’ve pondered repurchasing.

I loved, loved, loved a pea green Nirvana XL t-shirt. It was too big for me when I wore it at 14 and would still be a bit too large for me at 39 but every few months, I put it in a virtual cart before clicking away.

Unlike the Ryne Sandberg shirt, I didn’t outgrow my Nirvana shirt. I didn’t lose my Nirvana shirt. My aunt threw it away because the copy of Incesticide I owned featured a Parental Advisory Sticker. I did not appreciate my aunt’s actions. I calmly exclaimed my ire when I asked her if a Parental Advisory Sticker prevented her teenage daughter from getting pregnant. My aunt did not answer. The sticker did not prevent that pregnancy. We are no longer in contact. 

Anyways, I loved that shirt. Maybe I loved it even more because I associate it with cutting off ties from family members. Maybe I loved it because it was and is really ugly. Maybe I loved it because I didn’t yearn for it. I didn’t even want this specific Nirvana shit, it happened to be the only Nirvana shirt on sale at a Hot Topic in 1996 so it became my first Nirvana shirt.

I wore it often. Along with a Beck “Jack-Ass” shirt that was also on sale at that Hot Topic, these two band shirts were my primary non-school uniform uniform. I felt like a poser in my Nirvana shirt, not getting into the band until “MTV Unplugged in New York” was released in November 1994, a half year after Cobain committed suicide (I was 11 but I still felt like a poser for not loving the band when they were alive). I felt kinda cool in that Beck shirt. I was wearing something related to an album released in the same calendar year. I was wearing a shirt that promoted the fifth single of the album. It was the closest I could get to being a critical darling while existing as a 14-year-old only child without a computer and Internet connection.

But I’m not trying to get that Beck shirt. It’s still available on his site. But I have no desire to proclaim my love for alt rock’s most successful (rumored) Scientologist.

But I’m still considering getting that Incesticide shirt.

Wearing an Incesticide shirt as an almost 40-year-old father feels like it might be a bad idea. Donning a pea green shirt with death/funeral/rot art and the word INCESTICIDE in small print on my gut seems like it might be a cry for help. Or a sad attempt at recapturing youth culture. Or just too off putting to small children. 

I’ve been thinking about this all day. I’m definitely not going to buy the Nirvana shirt today. I definitely did buy a 1989 Chicago Cubs National League Champions t-shirt while trying to find that Ryno shirt.

Maybe I’m not dressing like a seven-year-old. Maybe I’m just wearing what I hoped adults would wear when I was a seven-year-old.

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