The NFL has famously been called the No Fun League, and I think that’s one of those insults that really stuck in its craw. So much so that it started to dip its toes into gimmicks like Slime Time superimposing CGI Simpsons characters into the game.

Despite it being kinda fun to watch Milhouse get his shit rocked on an floaty hospital ball, the whole thing reeks of an insecure “look how much fun I’m having!” forced whimsy. The broadcast equivalent of putting a lampshade on your head. We get it NFL, you party.

But is this really fooling anyone? The NFL needs actual fun. Fun with some kind of edge to it. Which is why I propose they add a Director of Spooky Operations (OK, I’ll do it if I have the time). What does this position look like? Well, I’ll tell ya. Here’s a few pitches for how to make the NFL spooky, Mr. Goodell.

HALLOWEEN GAME

Over the last couple seasons we’ve seen the NFL and Netflix turn Christmas into a new football holiday, which is horrible. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of year and it’s deep enough into the football season where teams start getting eliminated. We’re really rolling the dice on holiday meltdowns by ensuring 50% of the viewership is going to be furious. Bad for families, bad for America.

Instead I propose an annual Halloween Game. It’s early enough in the season where you can get away with an off schedule football day and not risk exhaustion. Adults stay home and have football parties while the kids are out trick or treating. Bonus promo to have the kids all dress up like Travis Kelce or something. Gotta move those jerseys one last year.

The Lions and Cowboys own Thanksgiving and those teams barely have anything to do with the holiday (Lions are brown, the color of Thanksgiving. Cowboys problematically linked to Indians). You have a perfect opportunity to have a new annual Ravens (the NFL’s only spooky team) Halloween game.

MORE SPOOKY TEAMS

Speaking of the Ravens being the only spooky team, we could really use more representation in that department. A lot of team names are horrible and I think we should cull the lowest tier of them and sub in some spooky alternatives.

First up, Cleveland Browns. Sorry Browns fans, the name is horrible and you all hate your team anyway. How about a fresh start? It worked for the Guardians. In fact when they were kicking around new names, Spiders kept coming up due to them being a defunct team from the 1800s. Cool, that’s taken care of. The Browns are now the Cleveland Spiders. Kids will dig it, adults are ready to move on. Let’s go, Spiders!

Another team no one cares about: The Cardinals. I went to a Cardinals game one time four years ago and every single adult fan had a Pat Tillman jersey on, and every kid had a Patrick Mahomes jersey on. Unrelated to football, but the line for concessions is the only place I’ve heard someone say “nobody wants to work any more” in the wild. These people clearly have no allegiance to the team on the field or behind the counter. Plus Cardinal is a baseball mascot, too soft of a bird for the NFL. It’s not a Falcon or Eagle or even Seahawk. A cardinal is what your grandpa comes back as to visit you after his death. Which brings me to the new name: The Arizona Grandpa’s Ghosts. The helmets would be incredible.

OK, how about the Panthers? I guess that’s a fine name, if a little generic. They entered the league the same year as the Jacksonville Jaguars, so it’s always felt a little unoriginal to have two big cat teams. Jags win the coin flip to keep their name because of alliteration, Panthers, you are now the Carolina Reapers.

GOTH NIGHT

The Bengals have started doing annual white out games, where they wear their white unis and the whole crowd wears white. It’s a nice way to have a fun night out watching Joe Flacco and the boys horse around.

Let’s pick a team that looks good in black and do the reverse? The easy option here is the Las Vegas Raiders. Give them an all black uniform, maybe make it with that material that looks like nothing. You know the stuff I’m talking about? MIT made it a couple years ago and I saw a YouTube thumbnail about it. Also Vegas is an entertainment hub, time it with a goth band doing a residency and have them play halftime. Imagine The Cure getting booed while playing “Boys Don’t Cry” by the most dehydrated fans in America.

NFL, if you want these ideas, my Venmo is @joemcadam. Thank you.

Feature drawing by Daniel Knox

This piece is in Recommend If You Like The Spooky Issue Fall 2026. You can find physical copies in bars, cafes and stores in Chicago and Washington, D.C. The newspaper is available for purchase here. 

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