The Best Names in the 2024 NFL Draft
I like football a lot, some might say “love” but I try to reserve that kind of talk for my wife, family, friends and the 2015 film Chappie. But even as a strong football appreciator I’ve never been able to get into the NFL draft. I understand the appeal, but I don’t watch college football, and I don’t like doing research. There’s just too much studying to do for how many of these dudes make an impact let alone on the team that I root for. To me, the juice is not worth the squeeze.
I like to watch the draft, but I go into it with a loose idea about what my team needs and then I get mildly excited or will flatly nod my head when they pick a guy I’ve barely heard of. I watch the draft and I talk about the draft. I even recorded an episode of my podcast Football Friends (Who Are Gambling) about it. I’d consider this a shameless plug if I thought I was enthusiastically selling it, but I’m not. I have to contort myself into knots to give a hoot about this stuff so the best way I can is to either gamble on it (which is proving to be a pretty ugly habit) or scour the mock drafts for the best names and hope I get to root for one of these guys.
Chop Robinson – DE, Penn State
Being named Chop is like a reverse “Boy Named Sue” but I think it has the exact same effect.
Bub Means – WR, Pittsburgh
Everyone, for at least a moment or two, imagines what their life would be like with a different name. Since hearing about Bub Means’ name I can’t stop thinking about how far I would have gone as a “Bub.” Who knows, maybe President.
If he turns out to be really good, Bub Means should get an ad campaign like the old Bo Knows spots. Bub Means Business, or Bub Means Football etc. I could be in marketing. Easiest job on earth. If my name was Bub, I could do whatever the hell I wanted, man.
Marcus Rosemy Jacksaint – WR, Georgia
Obviously we’re here for the Jacksaint part of his name. If you had a gun to your head and were asked to name a late 90s Nic Cage action protagonist, Jack Saint isn’t the worst thing you could say before having your brains exploded. Should have said Stanley Goodspeed, dumbass.
Spencer Rattler – QB, South Carolina
30 years ago this dude would have had a sick poster where the bottom half of his body is a snake and it would say “BITE ME” in a threatening No Fear-esque font. But sadly in 2024 he’ll probably just have a crappy AI art version of that on his team’s Twitter. Sorry Mr. Rattler, born in the wrong era.
Kool-Aid McKinstry – CB, Alabama
Man, who doesn’t love Kool-Aid?
Ladd McConkey – WR, Georgia
I’m not sure I could have a friend named Ladd McConkey. Not a day would go by where I wouldn’t do an Irish constable voice to him about whatever he was doing like, “Well, well, well, looks loik Ladd McConkey decoided to show up at bar trivia,” or “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Ladd McConkey orderin’ a foive dollar foot long at Subway.” Ladd would whip my ass, and I’d deserve it.
TJ Tampa – CB, Iowa State
You’re holed up in an abandoned building on the wrong side of town with bricks of cocaine to move, but your contact is 3 hours late. You scratch at your 4 day stubble as you put out a cigarette you smoked down to the filter into a dirty wet coffee can. You see car headlights through the blinds, then a knock at the door. It must be your man. Finally. You go to undo the latch when a kick slams the door into your nose, breaking it instantly. The last thing you remember is the cold steel of the cuffs on your wrists. Sorry, Jack, you just got busted by TJ Tampa.
Michael Penix Jr. – QB, Washington
I know he’s been in the national spotlight for a bit now, and all the “Penix looks like penis” things have been said already. But for real, it is a weird last name, and if it’s based on a job like how Baker or Smith are, I need to know what that job is.
Jamari Thrash – WR, Louisville
Sure, we’re all seeing the “Thrash” part of this name and the mind conjures a cool surfer or skateboarder. But let’s not forget, we could probably shorten Jamari to “Jam” in a pinch. Now it’s Jam Thrash, and you’re seeing a really cool surfer or skateboarder.
Cooper Beebe – G, Kansas State
If there was a character on Bluey named Cooper Beebe I would not be surprised. I have never seen Bluey, but I know it’s a kids show and it’s Australian, and if they don’t have a Cooper Beebe, then they’re missing out.
Audric Estime – RB, Notre Dame
This is just a fun name to yell out on a play that just keeps getting more exciting as it goes. Perfect running back name. I hope announcers make a meal out of it.
Tip Reiman – TE, Illinois
I thought for sure Tip was a nickname like Chop or Kool-Aid, so I looked into this guy (Googled his name, clicked his Wikipedia) and his first name is actually Tip. Then it said he’s from South Dakota and it made sense. I don’t think South Dakota has a ton of stereotypes about it, but I’m going to say one of them is that huge dudes named Tip come from there.
Ennis Rakestraw Jr. – CB, Missouri
Sometimes the test for a good name is if it’s funny if you imagine Johnny Carson saying it, and obviously Ennis Rakestraw Jr. passes this test.
Frank Crum – OT, Wyoming
I’ll be god damned if Frank Crum isn’t the name of an alcoholic noir detective with a penchant for dames that isn’t so kindly reciprocated. Or Frank Crum’s a ham and egger sitting on an exposed skyscraper beam with a metal lunch pail. Hell, Frank Crum could be the evil Southern sheriff in a Dolemite movie. Then you see the dude and you’re like oh gotcha, Frank Crum is an offensive tackle from Wyoming.
Recommend If You Like is not owned or funded by a billionaire or even a millionaire. We do have a Patreon. If you can’t afford to become a patron, please sign up to our mailing list. It’s free and we’re asking here instead of a pop-up. Pop-ups are annoying.