2022 NHL Playoff Predictions
By Afriti Bankwalla and Andrew Longwell
This NHL offseason was long and brutal, and we have missed hockey dearly. Truly a preposterous amount. Seriously, we spent most of the summer watching old World Juniors Championship games. Like, not even the men: teenagers. We’ve exhausted the plethora of highlight reels on YouTube, we’ve wasted way too much time obsessing over the most niche stats and graphs, and we’ve even engaged in a Facebook-comment fight about whether Crosby or Ovi is the better player (the correct answer is obvious). Needless to say, the arrival of preseason is a balm to our distressed psyches.
What better time to make predictions for the end of the year. Here are our choices to make the playoffs, division by division.
Central
Arizona Coyotes: Out
This team has shipped off what feels like half of their roster and taken on contracts to help other teams with their salary cap situations, all while accumulating over a dozen other teams’ draft picks for the next few years. That’s what you call a tear-down. Also, they don’t have an arena beyond this season. Good luck.
Chicago Blackhawks: Out
Despite us both having lived in Chicago for four years, this team is on our shit list for a number of reasons. Between Patrick Kane’s entire existence, their racist name and logo, and the sexual assault allegations, the Hawks organization is a literal trainwreck that no sane person would touch with a 50 foot pole. Unfortunately, they’re still playing hockey… poorly. They appear to be trying one last run at the cup before Toews and Kane’s contracts expire in two years, but the biggest piece they’ve gotten is Seth Jones, an extremely overpriced, extremely questionable defender whose mom is extremely aggressive on Twitter. Oh no.
Colorado Avalanche: In
Four years removed from the worst season of all time (not a joke), Colorado is making a triumphant comeback by simply playing fun, pretty hockey. They skate fast, shoot the puck a lot, and have a star forward who only eats chickpea pasta. What more can we ask for? The Avs won the President’s Trophy last season and are sure to kill it in points again this year. There’s no way they don’t make the playoffs.
Dallas Stars: In
2021 was a disappointing year for the Stars. They went from being Stanley Cup finalists to missing the playoffs entirely. But this year is looking up. Their top two centers, Tyler Seguin and Roope Hintz, have legs that work again, and they have four NHL caliber goalies. That’s so many goalies. Maybe they should play two at a time and block the whole net–that’s legal right?
Minnesota Wild: In
With breakout performances from Joel Erkisson Ek and the electric Kirill Kaprizov, last year was the first time the Wild were ever a fun team. Just when it looked like they were all set, Kaprizov disappeared to Siberia, and no one could find him. Months went by with no news, until, at the last second, his agent revealed that they snuck him to Florida to finish negotiations! Good job, Bill Guerin, your team still has hope.
Nashville Predators: Out
This team will ride or die on the back of miniature goalie Juuse Saros, who nearly single-handedly carried them to the playoffs last year. Unfortunately, he’s fighting the cursed energy of Matt Duchene who brings pain and misery wherever he goes. They’ve got some brilliant talent in Roman Josi and Filip Forsberg, but an equal number of overpaid letdowns, and that’s just not going to be enough to cut it this year.
St. Louis Blues: In
From a serious angle, what is going on with Vladimir Tarasenko? Why were they not able to meet his trade request? From a fun angle, remember when they acquired Pavel Buchnevich and absolutely robbed the Rangers? They gave away pennies for a top-line winger–excellent move by GM Doug Armstrong. The team should make the playoffs, even though they’re a far cry from the cup winners of two years ago, and Jordan Binnington needs a personality transplant.
Winnipeg Jets: In
Tom Brady worshipper Mark Schiefele might be the 1C, but this team is all Connor Hellyebuck’s. He could backstop any team to a playoff berth. They upgraded defensively this offseason, which might make their goalie’s life easier, and they could improve even more if they just let Nikolaj Ehlers do whatever he wants because he is far and above their most creative offensive player.
Pacific
Anaheim Ducks: Out
The Ducks aren’t a catastrophe so much so for any one reason; rather, they’re a team made of piles of mediocrity. They’re so boring we can’t even make any jokes about them. It would take a miracle for last year’s second-worst team to make the playoffs. They will be looking for superstar rookies Trevor Zegras (center) and Jamie Drysdale (defense) to prove their potential and help the Ducks climb up the standings. Big bald captain Ryan Getzlaf returns on a new contract for some stability.
Calgary Flames: In
Look, this team inexplicably self-imploded last season, missed the playoffs badly, and then lost their captain and top defenseman in the expansion draft, so you might think that we would pick them to miss the playoffs again. But you would be wrong! High-finesse guy Johnny Gaudreau and loveable rat Matthew Tkachuck will take them to the promised land through a weak Pacific division.
Edmonton Oilers: In
No other team boasts two superstar centers like the Oilers do, so it’s a goddamn shame that GM Ken Holland has not found a defensive corps to back them up. Trading for a very old Duncan Keith and signing flop king Cody Ceci are certainly choices. Also, their goalie is 40. Any team that messy would need Jesus to save them. Oh, wait. They literally have the Jesus of hockey on their team, Connor McDavid. He and Leon Draisaitl will bring them to the playoffs.
Los Angeles Kings: Out
Paying Anze Kopitar: good. Paying Drew Doughty: BAD. This team did have a good offseason and got some better players in Victor Arvidsson and Phil Danault, but they’re still on the way down before they are on the way up again. Excited to see Quinton Byfield, the highest ever drafted black player, come into his own.
San Jose Sharks: Out
After over a decade of consistency and playoff appearances, this team has seen some of its best Joes [Pavelski and Thornton] leave, and other players, like Brent Burns, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, and Erik Karlsson, age and decline. And there’s a tragedy in Evander Kane, who has a history of gambling addiction and is now facing claims of domestic violence from his wife and others. Of course, the NHL only investigated the allegations that he bet on his own games while turning a blind eye to the women he has harmed. No surprise given the league’s history.
Seattle Kraken: Out
We’re not sure what the bolder choice is, predicting that they will or won’t make it after Vegas’s immediate success. We’re choosing not, because we don’t trust Dave Hakstol as a coach, and we don’t trust any management that would pick absolute nobody Carsen Twarynski from the Flyers. Seriously, not even poaching Connor Bunnaman?
Vancouver Canucks: Out
The Canucks’ last season was a tragedy with 20 players contracting COVID. So, you mean to tell us that going into training camp they still don’t have 1C Elias Pettersson or 1D Quinn Hughes signed? If we were in charge, we would have built the whole offseason around securing Pettersson and his visionary plays as quickly as possible. Instead, you’re telling us they traded for Oliver Ekman Larsson and his massive contract? Hmmmmmm, strange thinking going on over on the West Coast.
Vegas Golden Knights: In
As last year’s second-place team in the regular season, they seem to be a lock for the playoffs. However, they were perpetrators of a shocking offseason move in which they shipped last year’s Vezina winner and franchise icon Marc-Andre Fleury to Chicago for nothing in return. Literally nothing. They acquired a minor league player and then terminated his contract. In other news, they also traded for 2017 second overall draft pick bust Nolan Patrick, who is coming off a disaster of a season in Philly. He’s Afriti’s enemy, and she’s hoping he will be a harbinger of bad luck for Vegas. Still a good team though.
Atlantic
Boston Bruins: In
Their top line is called the Perfection Line which makes us want to pull our hair out, but they are good at hockey. It’s the first time in over a decade that they will start a season without David Krecji, who went home to Czech, and Goaltender Tuuka Rask, who is having hip surgery, and that’s gotta throw everything up in the air. Taylor Hall is back though, committing to a team for real this time, and he’s still good at hockey. They’re not as deep of a team as last year but they will make it just fine.
Buffalo Sabres: Out
Sometimes, Buffalo’s failures are comical, like Taylor Hall and Jeff Skinner not being able to buy a goal last year. Sometimes, they are scary, like the fact that they won’t approve elite caliber center Jack Eichel’s much-needed spinal surgery. They stripped him of his captaincy and he’s stuck in limbo where he can neither play nor get surgery. We’ll just say “good luck” to the players and “fuck off” to whoever in management is holding this over him.
Detroit Red Wings: Out
Trust the Yzerplan! After turning around Tampa Bay, Detroit icon Steve Yzerman is back as the GM to revive the franchise… but it will take time. Right now, the team just does not have the talent or the depth to compete at the highest levels, but there are still good reasons to track this team this season. Jakub Vrana will spend his first full season with Detroit after being traded from the Capitals (RIP), and Moritz Seider will make his debut after winning Top Defensemen in the SHL. Best of all, they will win some big upset games, just like they did against Tampa over and over again last year. Who’s the real cup champs?!
Florida Panthers: In
Two years ago we don’t think anyone would have predicted the Panthers would be this good, but now they are! They made smart trades, and players like Aleksander Barkov have come into their own…even though there’s a conspiracy that his Selke award last year was the result of a psyop perpetrated by the Panthers media department to convince hockey writers he’s actually a good defensive player. We’ve got one eye on you Barkov.
Montreal Canadiens: Out
In case you missed it, Montreal’s off-season was…noteworthy. First, they did not sign Phil Danault despite the fact that he and an aging Carey Price dragged them to the cup final. Next, they announced captain Shea Weber is expected to be out, possibly forever. THEN, they drafted a sexual offender (no surprise given their GM was on staff in Chicago during the sexual assault incident). Finally, we saw the first successful offer sheet in over a decade when they let Jesperi Kotkaniemi walk to the Canes. Granted, the Canes offered Kotkaniemi faaaaaaaaar too much money. So, not matching was probably actually a good move for Montreal. Still sucks for their season that they lost him.
Ottawa Senators: Out
They signed their GM Pierre Dorion to an extension, but they haven’t signed Brady Tkachuk, who they’re supposed to be building their franchise around? Maybe now that the GM has a secure job he’ll get around to that. Everything about this team is highly questionable except for the fact that they will still embarrass the Leafs at some point this season.
Tampa Bay Lightning: In
THREE CUP RUN, THREE CUP RUN, THREE CUP RUN. The trades that they made and the math that they did to get under the salary cap limit yet again is nothing short of breathtaking. Julien BriseBois should have won GM of the year last year and should win again this year, even if the team doesn’t reach the same sky-high heights (they will). Any team with Kucherov, Point, Stamkos, Hedman, Sergachev, and Vasilievky can run on autopilot and make the playoffs.
Toronto Maple Leafs: In
Ohhh, the Leafs. Good thing this article isn’t about doing well in the playoffs, just making it there! There are interesting questions about how the team will play this year, but what really matters is that the league’s most marketable star Auston Matthews is back on the cover of NHL22, with what has to be the worst cover of all time. Mitch Marner will probably choke again, but not until the first round of the playoffs, so they’ll make it through the regular season at least.
Metropolitan
Carolina Hurricanes: Out
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, and by mighty we mean charming teams with fun-if-sometimes-cringy social media presences. At the top of the list of their off-season chaos, they brought in noted shithead Tony DeAngelo solely because they didn’t want to pay Norris-caliber defenseman Dougie Hamilton! Oh, and they dumped their Calder nominated goalie on Detroit because they didn’t want to pay him either…On his wedding day. Are you sensing a theme? Well, get ready for some whiplash ‘cause they turned around and issued a $6 million offer sheet to Montreal’s 3rd line center Jesperi Kotkaniemi. You can file this one under their social media antics, as it turned out to be a weird revenge scheme for Montreal’s offer sheet of Sebastian Aho two years ago, complete with references to both players’ jersey numbers and past franchise statements. Insane if you ask us.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Out
Goalie Elvis Merzlikins has said he is on a mission to win the Vezina in honor of his late teammate Matiss Kivlenieks, and we’re cheering him on every step of the way. In lighter news, the team is free from the vastly overrated Seth Jones and the bygone-era macho-man coach John Tortorella, so things are looking up. We’ll see how the on-ice chemistry between Jakub Voracek and Patrik Laine matches up to their off-ice vibes, but on the whole, this team does not stand up to the competition.
New Jersey Devils: Out
Highly unlikely that the Devils will make the playoffs, but boy would we love it if they did. This is a team for whom things are probably most looking up; the problem is they’re starting wayyyy down low. We’re talking bottom of the toughest division low. The good news is that the team is young, and the players are getting better naturally. Jack Hughes (or “Lil Jizzy” according to PK Subban) is poised for a better season. Dougie Hamilton, Ryan Graves, Tomas Tatar, and Jonathan Bernier are all solid additions, but the Devils still seem to be a couple years away from contention.
New York Islanders: In
Two trips to the conference final later, they’re still going strong. Losing Jordan Eberle will suck, but keeping Kyle Pamieri and bringing in Zach Parise should fill that void enough. Well, we’re assuming they’re bringing in Parise because he’s said as much, even though Lamoriello is apparently keeping his contract locked in a drawer and unfiled for the time being. To be honest, who even cares about the roster when former Washington Capitals legend Barry Trotz is your coach. We should have started and ended with that.
New York Rangers: Out
We really don’t have much to say about the Rangers except that losing a fight to Tom Wilson, and then replacing good players with players who can fight Tom Wilson, does not help you win hockey games. We are, however, looking forward to their first match-up of the season, which is against…you guessed it…Tom Wilson.
Philadelphia Flyers: In
History dictates they make the playoffs in even-numbered years. Although, maybe now that we’ve noticed that, it won’t happen. Especially considering that the entire team seems to be falling apart. Probable 2C Kevin Hayes, up-and-coming power forward Wade Allison, and wunderkind prospect Zayde Wisdom are all out to start the season. On the other hand, Sean Couturier and Oskar Lindblom are both healthier than last year. So, despite their hiccups, we think they’ll make it thanks to Chuck Fletcher’s hard work this offseason to bring in some good players…and Rasmus Ristolainen? That being said, pretty much everything depends on Carter Hart no longer being the worst goalie in the league.
Pittsburgh Penguins: In
The league’s longest active playoff streak is on the line! As long as they have reasonably good goaltending (Tristan Jarry looking at you!), and an average number of injuries for them (an amount that might be catastrophic for other teams lol) (Evgeni Malkin AND Sidney Crosby looking at you right now!) they should be fine. Here’s a fun thought experiment: which player that was fine-to-bad on another team will have a career season under Crosby and coach Mike Sullivan’s witchcraft-like guidance this go-around (Mike Matheson looking at you).
Washington Capitals: In
Afriti: The Caps will destroy the whole division and win the cup, while Ovi will miraculously beat Gretzky’s record in a single season. Andrew does not agree, so his misguided opinions are below, I guess.
Andrew: The Caps remain largely unchanged from last year, and they made the playoffs handily. This offseason, they traded one defenseman away and didn’t resign Zdeno Chara, significantly lowering their average age to only about three years older than the rest of the league. Believe it or not, the Caps actually have enough depth to replace them. Their biggest success was bringing back Alexander Ovechkin for 5 more years, and we have our countdown charts going as he chases Wayne Gretzky’s goal record. In probably the most humorous of off-season antics, they lost goalie Vitek Vanecek in the expansion draft, only to trade a pick and reacquire him.
Be sure to check back in about six months to see if we were right.
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