A Super Beer Guide for The Super Big Game
Super Bowl week is here. To most, the game is still a work week away. But here in Los Angeles, downtown is already awash with bleary-eyed fools who have drunk the NFL’s spiked Kool-Aid, still believing somehow that professional football isn’t completely evil and that THE BIG GAME should hold some sacred place in American life.
The rest of us should drink beer.
So take a knee and listen up. Sunday is going to be a big test for all of us. You might have been invited to a Super Bowl party. Hell, you might be hosting one. And there’s a good chance this will be the most people you have been around in a while. So careful beer selection is important.
Here’s your playbook.
In The Trenches
The game has changed so much- it’s now more wide open and video game-like than ever.
But it’s still won and lost with the big guys up front.
I’m talking, of course, about stouts.
Most of the country is frozen solid now, so thick, hearty, heavy beers are key.
Left Hand Brewing Company Milk Stout Nitro
This is my center, the anchor of my line. Malty, thick, a little sweet and just overall god damn delicious. It’s a warm hug for your liver. They call it “America’s Stout.” My only objection to that name is that we clearly don’t deserve anything this good.
Anderson Valley Brewing Company Barney Flats Oatmeal Stout
There are plenty of good oatmeal stouts out there, including the widely available Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout.
I’m just choosing Anderson Valley’s because I like these Northern California weirdos and their beer is available in several stores in D.C.
Again, it’s cold out there. Let oatmeal do what it did for you as a child: warm you from the inside. This time with the sweet bonus of booze!
North Coast Brewing Company Old Rasputin
I was going to put this in the heavy hitters section because it really packs a wallop on 9% ABV. But it’s also a gold-standard beer when it comes to imperial stouts. It’s rich and delicious and will chop block you right on your ass. So be careful. Maybe split this one. You don’t want to be the one making semi-amusing snide remarks during the commercials in the first quarter only to be slurring by halftime.
That’s right. Don’t ever let me catch you saying you’re too good for Guinness. If anything, the opposite is true. They come in nitro cans, they’re low alcohol by volume, high in iron and a very reasonable price point.
Heavy Hitters
These beers are Lawrence Taylor and your liver is Joe Thiesmann’s leg.
Here are some slobber-knockers that’ll have you snoring through the fourth quarter if you’re not careful.
Delirium Tremens Huyghe Brewery
The Belgians sent this one over as a joke just wishing to knock Americans who can’t hold their booze off their barstools but it turns out this one is quite good. Bonus: It’s not an IPA!
Russian River Brewing Company Pliny the Elder
On the West Coast, folks line up around the block when this one becomes available each year. Thousands of beer nerds can’t be wrong. I mean, they definitely can, but not about this one. It’s worth the hype.
Bell’s Brewery Double Two Hearted Ale
A big friendly, widely available Midwestern beer that will pile drive you into the turf, help you back up and pray for you at the next Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting.
Also, dig deep for local boozy faves. You might find one that’s inspired by your favorite Nintendo game.
Late Round Draft Pick Values
Tom Brady was a sparrow-chested waif who couldn’t run out of sight in a week when he showed up for the combine. The Pats took a chance on him and now he’s the GOAT. Here are some value picks that won’t blindside your wallet.
Since I’ve been on the West Coast, I call this one the pound for pound champ because of it’s relatively low cost and high quality. Find your Trumer and stick with it, kid!
Related, anything from the aforementioned Bell’s Brewery is a good buy. Whether it’s Two Hearted or their excellent Bohemian Pilsner, you will never look or feel like a schmuck walking into the party with a six pack of Bell’s tucked under your arm.
I’m not super wild about any of New Belgium’s beers, but they are good, widely available and priced reasonably. You will look cool and confident arriving with a sixer of Fat Tire or Voodoo Ranger IPA.
Also, if you are someplace warm or your host likes to crank the heat, a good ol’ Mexican lager is a safe bet. There’s never anything wrong with a cold Pacifico.
Which brings me to…
The John Madden Memorial Cheap Beer Cooler
This will be our first Super Bowl since we lost our Football Grandpa. So to honor him, put out a big cooler or tub of Miller Lite or Pabst or Hamm’s etc. There will inevitably be guests that don’t bring anything. Just direct those cheap bastards over to that cooler (preferably on the porch) and BOOM! Problem solved!
Trick Plays
If you’re feeling a little sadistic and/or adventurous, try foisting these on your buddies.
Pickle Beer
For some reason this puckering concoction has gained some traction, inspiring many versions throughout the country.
Steve Austin’s Broken Skull IPA by El Segundo Brewing Co
It’s unnecessary and just a few ticks under mediocre. But do it ‘cuz Stone Cold said so!!!!
Blue Moon Iced Coffee Blonde
This is basically a, “Fuck you, get out of my house!” in a bottle. Use only in the direst, 4th and long situations.
Okay, I hope that helps. Keep your head on a swivel and in the ballgame. Bleary eyes, full bellies can’t lose!