Three Really Good Reasons You Should be a Marlins Fan This Year

by Afriti Bankwalla

By Afriti Bankwalla and Katie Hill

The Marlins have been called many things. Sports Illustrated called them, “The third most hopeless franchise in baseball,” Philly sports announcers have famously called them “Bottom feeders,” and, in 2019, Deadspin described them as, “a pile of crap that ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.”  

So why the hell should you be a Marlins fan? Here are three really good reasons that aren’t just the fact that they have the best uniforms (thanks, Kaylee!).

Full disclosure: If you are not from Miami and you choose to be a Marlins fan, everyone you meet will think you are insane. Maybe even if you are from Miami, judging by the team’s notoriously low attendance. 

  1. Kim Ng 

As two women sports fans from UChicago, we have one mission and purpose in life: to spread the gospel of Kim Ng. (We have said the phrase “literally iconic” to each other hundreds of times while co-writing this article.)

If you don’t know, Kim Ng is the current General Manager of the Miami Marlins. She’s also the first woman general manager of any major sports team. In any of the Big 4 leagues. She’s also the first East Asian general manager in baseball history. She’s also probably the first general manager of a baseball team to be profiled in Vogue (don’t fact check us on this). That’s a lot of pretty cool firsts if you ask us. 

Ng got her start as an intern for the White Sox after graduating from the University of Chicago, where she wrote her thesis on the impact of Title IX on women’s sports, which sounds way more interesting than anything we read or wrote in college. She’s also been in the front office with the White Sox, Yankees and Dodgers, giving her 30 years and 3 World Series worth of experience. 

One tip for our beloved team: Please release Kim Ng paraphernalia. Bobbleheads, jerseys, airbrushed T-Shirts…We would literally snatch it all up in an instant. It’s what she deserves, and we really think it would help grow the game.

2. Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington Chisholm Jr.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from watching sports, it’s that the best teams have the most interesting players. And there’s no player we love more than Miami Marlins second baseman Jazz Chisholm Jr. 

Jazz is a breakout rookie who excels at both offense and defense, but his speed and swing are truly thrilling. Jazz flies around the bases with an average sprint speed of 29 ft/sec (95th percentile in the league!), earning him the nickname Sonic, which also matches his bright blue hair. Jazz is also the first and only player on record to hit multiple homers on pitches going 100 mph or higher. Did we mention he’s still a rookie? So, you should definitely get on board with the Marlins, if only to say you’ve been following certain future superstar Jazz Chisholm since the beginning of his career. 

Not to mention, he’s also got plenty of swag and a very endearing backstory. He is one of only seven MLB players ever to come from the Bahamas and the only Major League player we know of that learned the game from his grandma. A star athlete in her own right, Jazz’s grandmother played for the Bahamian national softball team in 1986. 

From his charming demeanor to his impeccable style, Jazz is as smooth as…well, Jazz. Always laughing, Jazz’s enthusiasm for the game and his team is absolutely infectious. How could you not love someone who has waxed poetic about the roar of the crowd in front of a dozen spectators in COVID-era Marlins Park? Or who dyed his hair bright blue just for Opening Day? Or who runs the bases in these incredible custom Oreo-themed cleats? 

3. Masochism 

Let’s be honest, the best thing about being a sports fan is being able to complain about your team. Now that the Nats, Cubs, and White Sox are actually good, we think it’s time all D.C. and Chicago residents become Marlins fans exclusively. Despite some incredible talent (Ng and Chisholm), the Marlins are objectively a bad baseball team. And we promise you that’s a good thing. 

After all, who better to take out your pent-up frustration on than your favorite sports team? To like a bad sports team is to have access to an endless source of catharsis for all the other rage in your life. Coworkers getting on your nerves? Just turn on the game and yell at the Marlins for a couple hours, and we promise you’ll feel infinitely better afterwards. 

There’s truly no feeling like the epic highs and lows of being a fan of a bad sports team. There’s nothing like the rush of throwing your remote down in resentment and swearing you’ll never watch baseball again after your team loses their fiftieth game of the season, and there’s also nothing like the unadulterated exhilaration you feel when that very same team turns around and strikes out the opposing team’s first nine batters in another game. 

So, if this pile of crap is good enough for the Marlins Man, it’s good enough for you.