Baseball survived a lockout and is back for another 162 games-long glorious slog through summer.

One aspect of the game I have always loved is the uniquely baseball phenomenon of managers coming out on the field to argue a call. 

Instant replay means the glory days of the manager meltdown are long gone. Before it, the manager’s only recourse was to throw a tantrum. So that is what they did. Turn the cap backwards so you can get all the way in the ump’s face, kick dirt, scream obscenities, maybe if you’re really feeling it, pull up first base and hurl it into foul territory. 

And those are just the basics, which is what we will explore today. The makings of a bizarre ritual that is not only tolerated but encouraged by baseball’s fans. 

By the time you’re done with article you will be able to get run off with the best of ‘em!

So let’s get started!

But first, we gotta get the right frame of mind. And who better to assist us with that than the late great Tommy Lasorda. My man Tommy Tantrums!

The Great Earl Weaver Sums it Up In 30 Seconds

Earl Weaver was once thrown out of both games of a doubleheader. The kids, they throw around this GOAT term a lot. Earl Weaver was a great and innovative manager, but he was the GOAT of getting run off. He is the star of the single greatest manager ejection of all time. We will get to that one later in the summer after you’ve mastered the fundamentals.

Lou Piniella – Face Eating Monster

You cannot talk about manager meltdowns and ejections without dedicating some ink to Sweet Lou. Lou is what I call a classic face eater. He’s a large man with a big Fred Flintstone head and it looks like he could could conceivably chew this poor ump’s nose off. Note the technique. Impeccable. 

Hal McClendon – How To Get Your Money’s Worth

This brings us to a very crucial concept: getting your money’s worth. This is really at the heart of what managers are trying to do when they leave the dugout. First, you notice the catcher is pretty upset. McClendon is embodying the above Earl Weaver quote when he hustles out on the field and gets booted in seconds. Then, he gets his money’s worth by chewing out each ump individually. In other words, you can only get kicked out once. Might as well give the fans a show and the umps a piece of your mind in your exit. 

A How Not To Lesson From Who Else, Pete Rose

So a manager 1. can not gamble on games and 2. can not reach out and push, forearm shiver or shove an ump. Pete’s handicap is he lacks what all the other managers we’ve discussed have: a bumpin’ belly. See, you want to be ejected, not suspended. This was a year before Charlie Hustle was banned from baseball for life, so this incident was soon to be the very least of his worries. 

And finally…

The Grand Theatricality of The Minor Leagues

If you ever find yourself managing a minor league team, do not miss the opportunity it provides to make a royal horse’s ass of yourself. Minor League baseball has to attract fans with charm and quirkiness to make up for its lack of elite level talent, so even more ridiculous histrionics are tolerated if not encouraged. Here’s a couple of guys who let their freakout flag fly in the most beautiful way.

Mississippi Braves manager Phillip Wellman had an instant chart topper with this 2007 performance in Chattanooga. Seriously, how long had he been sitting on that grenade move? It’s really a brilliant closer after going through what I like to call the compulsory floor routine of manager freakouts- the face eating at home plate, covering the plate in dirt, more face eating-this time at third base, and base throwing. But the grenade throw of the rosin bag from behind the mound is what vaulted this performance into the all-time canon.

Minor League lifer Joe Mikulik knows if you just use your words, you’re only using 50 percent of your arsenal. He’s an absolute master of the act out- sliding into home multiple times to let everyone know his man was safe then removing his cleats and jersey and placing them solemnly on the plate as if it’s perhaps a memorial to the part of him that died after that bullshit call.

Feature photo by EMR via Flickr, used with CC

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